*A car pulls up to the McDespair drive-thru*


*eerie white noise exudes from the speaker*

Yooo! Anyone there?

Welcome to McDespair, spill your guts…

Aye, brah, lemme get uhhh…

*awkward silence*


Whenever you’re ready to die, sir…

Holup, the light’s out.

The darkness reigns supreme at McDespair…

Ok, Ima gets one of them free-range Depression Burgers…

With cheese, lettuce, tomato, and onion?

Plain…uhhh…just cheese and add Bitchy Bacon. Sounds good as fuck.

Your intestines will despise you in a few hours…


*awkward silence*

Side of Anxiety Fries.

Small Sniffle, Medium Mania, or Large n’ Loud?

Them…sizes? Large.

Anything else to tickle your trepidations?

What y’all got to drink?

Many terrible things. Conk-a-Cola, Spit Fritz, Existential Dread Juice, and—

That one.

The Existential Dread Juice?


It comes in Grumbling Grape.

Ight, brah.

May your chosen deity of worship have mercy on your pitiful soul.

Hahaha, I’m atheist, bro.

*awkward silence*

And ooone…mase-o-shit-stik…

Masochistic Mozzarella Sticks?

Fancy words. I dropped outta high school.

Congratulations. Is that the final order?

That’s it.

Your total is…$16.69.


*awkward silence*

Nice? This is McDespair…

Never mind, dawg.

Advance. The First Portal awaits.


*Seconds later, the car approaches the First Portal*


Welcome to the First Portal. Your McDespair meal is $16.69.

Yeah, sure, lemme get my wallet…

There is no tangible tax owed, you fool. Life is the gift and death, is the purchaser.

Shit, all I got is $15.

Hand over your pittance.

*$15 is grabbed by skeletal hands*

Yo, those gloves look creepy, lady…

This is my being, naked and pure, that faces the world.

You a skeleton under all that?

Forsake the grounds in which putrid sweat seeps out of your meat sack.

What the fu


Don’t humph me, hoe.

No riches can transmogrify a righteous life for your forsaken soul.

You want me to throw hands?

*awkward silence*

Begone to the Second Portal.


*Seconds later, the car approaches the Second Portal*


Welcome to the Second Portal. Are you ready for your Meal of Atonement?

I shoulda smacked that bitch back there…

*a putrid cardboard box is produced*

For you, you cursed cretin of the night.

No, no, not ooze. It’s purple, nah.

It is not what it seems. The juice of decomposition cleanses all.

That’s sick, brah…make me another, or my money back!

One cannot cease what fate has foretold, especially when one comes up short.

You callin’ me broke? Finna make me act up, on God…

Sir, you claimed you are an atheist…

Touché. Guess I’m French, too, haha, does that make you laugh?

*awkward silence*


Yo, yo, don’t throw—

*box of food is hurled into the car*

I hate this horror house shit!

Your Meal of Atonement awaits…

Yeah, whatever, buddy.

Please pull up to the Reflection Chamber. Make sure to put your vehicle in park.


And may the night swallow your soul unto the McDemons in our minds—

Man, I ain’t listening to that nonsense…


*Seconds later, the car enters the Reflection Chamber*


Man, this meal ruined the fit…yo, what’s that dude doin’?

*a man in another car convulses nearby*

Yo! You good?

*Incomprehensible gargling sounds*

Bro is tweakin’ for real. Wonder what my food will do…

*Depression Burger is eaten*

Whoa, I’m all warm. Mmm, seasoned like my auntie’s BBQs…and the bacon…

*Anxiety Fries are eaten*

Wait, is that my…dead cousin, Marcel?

*Masochistic Mozzarella Sticks are eaten*

Aye, Marcy, you don’t look a day over seventeen…wassup?

*Existential Dread Juice is drunk*

I sold ya gun to help pay for the casket…nah, your ma don’t know…Ahhh, I miss you, man.

*shouts & laughter continue for hours*