If you’re reading this, it means you’ve managed to hack my Gmail and find my Google doc containing every Tinder bio I’ve ever had, arranged by date. This is the closest thing to a diary I’ve ever kept. Tread lightly. Don’t ask about my success rates. Cradle a bottle of wine as you scroll. Remove your heart from your chest; store it in a glass case.
ORION, 24
My head is a fish bowl everyone can see inside of but you.
Bonus points if you wear my crew socks.
ORION, 24
You’re gonna fucking love my cry face.
ORION, 24
I’ll even show you my belt.
Oh my god, that was awful, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it?
ORION, 24
My kink is talking about serial killers and wrapping each other in string cheese. There’s a camera in the Care Bear stuffed animal next to my bed.
ORION, 24
On here to record data about how many people love adventures.
Am looking for wrong in all the love places.
Ha. Ha.
ORION, 24
Recruiting new members for my cult, Fully Loaded Fries. We believe that eating them for every meal will bring us closer to God. So far we have 3 members: me, my aunt Bethel, and the neighbor’s dog, Cash.
ORION, 25
Tinder won’t let me paste links into my bio, but if you type “Goat Yoga Wedding” into Google, you’ll find my website.
ORION, 25
I have “Live Laugh Love” tattooed on my right forearm, so I get it if you don’t wanna meet up, but I have all the seasons of Saved By the Bell on DVD if you’re down.
ORION, 25
I just got back from Mexico and my colon is still acting up, so I prob won’t eat on our date but I’m real into drinking Bloody Mary’s and rearranging the hot sauce bottles on the table.
When I take off my shirt, I will pretend I am a snake shedding my skin. That’s the best I can offer you.
ORION, 25
I brush my teeth for an average of 9 minutes per sesh. For a small price, you may gently glide your finger along them.
ORION, 25
Swipe right if you’re into knife play. Swipe left if you still say “Merry Christmas.” I don’t have time for that shit.
ORION, 26
Pros: I have great fine motor skills and will wash your hair for you.
Cons: The McDonald’s workers by my house hate me and always mess up my order. My sheets have “Phillies” written on them.
ORION, 26
Don’t make me drink your blood again. You know who you are.
ORION, 27
My back is fucked and I can’t afford a chiropractor. If you can realign my spine that’d be great. I’ll show you a good time (green apple slices and caramel dip then seeing how many sweaters we can put on).
ORION, 27
My ex once referred to our relationship as a “performance enhancement plan.” No need to try to impress me.
ORION, 27
I have a crystal that is supposed to promote creativity, but it’s not working so well cuz I can’t even write a Tinder bio.
ORION, 27
If you have 3,751 unread emails then come on over. I’ll feed you warm milk and read the emails aloud to you in various voices.
ORION, 28
There’s no reason to ask about my third photo. The cat is fine and currently in recovery.
I have my mom’s boyfriend’s HBO GO login.
ORION, 28
Do you ever wonder if our dreams are just parallel universes we can access? Parallel me is almost always eating Cheese Whiz. I have a lot more questions for you.
ORION, 28
Alexa, why doesn’t my mom acknowledge the memes I tag her in?
ORION, 28
You have to solve this puzzle in order to go on a date with me:
Think about your first love. Their scent. Their touch. The song or songs you shared. Play that song. Morph into a marshmallow. Roast yourself over an open fire.
ORION, 28
Most of my life is just doing things to see what will happen.
I keep my dead dog’s DNA in a frozen capsule for future cloning endeavors.
ORION, 29
Tell everyone you know. I wanna get the news out. Jason, the ex-drummer for Slightly Stoopid, now drives for Lyft and can’t stand the cry of one of his twin babies. He says she cries in a higher, more ear-splitting pitch than the other twin.
ORION, 29
What is it with men and dick pics? It’s like, “Hey, look at this appendage I have. Look what it can do. It can stand up and sit down and do tricks.”
That being said, I love elbow pics. Send me your elbow pics.
ORION, 29
My roommate wakes me up with a trumpet and an announcement about the planets. “We are moving into Saturn. Saturn wants the best for us,” he says. I usually say, “People in outer space are probably saying that they’re moving into Earth and that Earth wants them to fucking die.”
If you’re my roommate, ignore this. This is just a dream.
ORION, 29
If you saw a police lineup of my lovers you’d probably have a hernia on sight.
Willing to go on a hike only if you bring airplane bottles of whiskey in your backpack.
ORION, 29
Some days I feel like I was a grown in a petri dish. Maybe you feel that way too.
P.S. I’m wearing the same garbage outfit in every photo in an attempt to lure the cast of Queer Eye to Philly.
P.S.S. I want Karamo to hold me like a helpless baby bunny while I figure out what to do with all these seconds that add up to minutes that add up to years that add up to a life spent adding things up, but never doing anything with the calculations.