ARIES (March 21st– April 20th)

This week, as we meet with the orbit of Neptune, resist the urge to become a full-time vegan. You will not manage, and your friends will place a bet on how long it will take for you to give up, often dangling portions of cheese before your face. If you already are a vegan, this advice does not apply to you- beware of pomegranates, however: it seems very likely that, as Venus nears the Earth, Aries will go through a choking scare caused by this fruit’s seeds.


TAURUS (April 21st – May 20th)

Opportunities for growth lie ahead of you, as you find out someone you would have trusted with your life has been faking their accent and voice modulation for no apparent reason. On Thursday you will get a break due to the unnatural movements of Mercury, which point to some violent tragedy near your office, giving you a day off. The relief will only be temporary, nonetheless, for the film you choose to see that day will be invariably a terrible one.


GEMINI (May 22nd – June 23rd

Things are looking up for Gemini as Sirius becomes more visible in the Northern hemisphere. No one will figure out you lied about being able to ride a horse unless you are taken to some sort of ranch or farm, in which case do fake a minor ankle injury. You will find that you enjoy the company of others marginally more as you look for someone to go to a Billy Joel concert with you, and no one is interested, for no one has got any taste.


CANCER (June 22nd – July 23rd )

If you play your cards right, you might generate a great following on social media by pointing out some detail on the Sharknado movies no one had noticed before, causing your post to go viral. None of this is relevant if your parents are a Scorpio and a Leo, however- in which case, you should definitely start to worry about someone figuring out your most closely-guarded secret.


LEO (July 24th – August 23rd )

This week, you will be falsely accused of a murder you have no alibi for- unless, of course, you did commit the murder, in which case proceed to accuse another Leo. The Solar System is indifferent to injustices so you will depend on a jury. You shall be fine, unless the jury features a majority of Water Signs.


VIRGO (August 24th – September 23rd )

Beware of typos, Virgo! The converging orbits of Neptune and the Earth makes you extremely susceptible to embarrassing slips! Stay away from words such as public and peanuts- unless of course you are a waxing professional.


LIBRA (September 24th – October 23rd )

This week, you will either find out your kid is a genius or very incredibly daft. You will either love them more or less; and feel guilty either way. If you don’t have a kid, you will not experience these emotions- you will run into your childhood hero instead, try to escape from them since you subscribe to the “Never meet your heroes” saying, and end up getting chased down the street by a long forgotten kids’ show host who just wants to give you their autograph.


SCORPIO (October 24th – November 22nd)

As Mars stays put in the universe, you will have your meal interrupted by some idiot choking on pomegranate seeds. If you practice your Heimlich manoeuvre, you might end up saving a life- if not, you will presence the death of a stranger and ask yourself if it’s okay to keep eating as the paramedics try to resuscitate him. Because of that, it is possible your dinner/lunch/tea companion will break up with you.


SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd – December 21st)

The House of Sagittarius is filled with planets making entrances, so you may start to feel suffocated this week- avoid wearing scarves and scarf-like neck-wear, such as pashminas. This will cause you to act uncharacteristically, so don’t be surprised if you end up quitting your job to become a professional hand model; having beg for it back by the end of the week.


CAPRICORN (December 22nd – January 20th)

While it is possible a radioactive spider will bite you in the next few days, remember you will not turn into Spiderman. No matter how many movies they make, this is not going to happen to you- unless, of course, your rising sign is Aries, and both your parents are Libras with a Capricorn sun and Scorpio rising. In that case, you might have a shot- in any other instance, please go to the emergency room.


AQUARIUS (January 21st – February 19th)

As Uranus enters the house of Leo, you must realise your fun socks are getting out of style, and that you may have been too fast to jump on that short-lived trend. The best we can do at these times is admit to ourselves we took a chance hoping for the best, but things don’t always turn out the way we want them to. It happens. Perhaps your luck is changing…


PIESCES (February 20th – March 20th )

You will find yourself particularly tired this week as your arch-nemesis will not leave you alone even though you dumped them as your arch-nemesis. Fend yourself for a lot of begging and empty promises that they’ll try harder to be a nemesis from now on. Do not buy into their rhetoric. You are strong, Piesces.