Elsa Rainn Oaks has a PhD in Astrological Behaviorism from MK University. She is a Cancer, Pisces ascending, but her horoscopes are completely unbiased. Oaks believes in unity, peace, and determinism. If you want to get a personalized reading, be sure to wash your hands before your appointment.
ARIES (March 21st– April 20th)
Academic success is a no-no for you this week, as whatever grade you become aware of will inevitably be a bad one, which is why you might want to wait a week to check your test scores. If you are not a student, it is likely you will get a low percentage on some kind of test; perhaps an internet quiz on how much you actually remember from what you say is your favourite movie.
TAURUS (April 21st – May 20th)
As Jupiter’s orbit approaches, you will be slightly less annoyed by something or someone you hate. This will worry you tremendously- make you wonder whether you are not losing “your edge”- or dissociating from an intolerable reality which generated feelings only of discontent. Now that whatever little grip you had on reality seems to have watered down, you might think you have lost it on reality altogether. Don’t worry, though: you should be back to your normal, annoyed self by the weekend.
GEMINI (May 22nd – June 23rd )
Your week, Gemini, shall be haunted by unfinished business. That last book you abandoned will come back to haunt you as the moons of Venus enter congregation. Whatever happens at the ending of that book will probably happen to you this week. If you happen to have many unfinished books, there is no way of knowing which one will be dictating your future. One thing, nonetheless, is certain: you might want to finish reading the ones with the worst and saddest endings by Tuesday.
CANCER (June 22nd – July 23rd )
The death of a famous person you have never met will hit you surprisingly hard this week, as Mercury and Venus clash over the Earth. Avoid grieving near others in order to decrease the mockery and teasing of your friends. Fortunately, not really knowing the deceased is sure to speed up your recovery, and by the end of the week you will have moved on to having strange dreams about Danish monarchs.
LEO (July 24th – August 23rd )
While it is true you could climb the Everest if you wanted to, do you really want to climb the Everest? Or are you just doing it to “show’em”? Wouldn’t it be more accurate to affirm, Leo, that there is no better way for you to spend your vacation than soaking your feet on a bubble bath, listening to death metal, and reading trashy airport fiction? Wasn’t trashy airport fiction the only reason you were excited for Everest in the first place? The plan was you were going to take a serious book, pretend to have forgotten it, and proceeded to buy as much trashy literature as you could to read on your flight- but why must you keep up with this charade? Who are you trying to deceive? Not the planets, of course- they are onto you.
VIRGO (August 24th – September 23rd )
The star path for Virgo this week does show a graveyard, so perhaps try to fit a graveyard visit into your busy schedule, just so that you won’t have to visit one later on under worse circumstances. Other than this alarming death watch element, things are looking smooth for you this week, as the Earth reconnects with Mercury and your best friend decides to forgive you for something you didn’t know upset them.
LIBRA (September 24th – October 23rd )
Do not take a DNA test this week, Libra! You are almost certainly going to get the wrong results. If you really must, however, take a DNA test, ask another Libra to take it for you. The results will be wrong for them, but right regarding you.
SCORPIO (October 24th – November 22nd)
A great astrologer has been quoted as saying “We make guilty of our disasters the sun, the moon, and the stars, as if we were villains on necessity, fools by heavenly compulsion”. In your case, Scorpio, the villain that is going to make you look like a fool is Pluto, that sneaky mass we so often dismiss as a non-entity. Pluto, however, will have you busy this week as you discover new allergies every day (and, like Pluto’s status as a planet, disappear when you tell people about them, thus making you look like a damned liar).
SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd – December 21st)
Playing the sitar is a challenge, and no one gets it right the first time they try. With that in mind, you need to start practicing now, for your near future presents a situation where knowing how to adequately finger the the sitar will keep you from perishing painfully in either a dark pit of scorpions or by the hand of a Scorpio. In any case, the sitar is the only thing standing between you and certain death. If certain death is your desire, disregard this and have a nice week.
CAPRICORN (December 22nd – January 20th)
This week, you will be feeling more and more isolated from your friends as they outgrow you and your unorthodox views on coffee. Perhaps the only ones capable of fully accepting a Capricorn are other Capricorns. That is why, if the friends in question are Capricorns as well, you will clash over the fact that no one brings anything new to the conversation.
AQUARIUS (January 21st – February 19th)
“So stuck-up a bitch could only ever be an Aquarius”, is what your most hated frenemy will say about you this week. You mustn’t let it slide, Aquarius. You must defend your kind from this sort of accusation. Your fellow Aquarii are sure to be grateful.
PISCES (February 20th – March 20th )
Nobody likes it when you pee outside the assigned spaces, Piesces. It just ruins it for everybody. This is addressed to no one in particular, especially not my dog.