“I hid the body, now what?” Her phone pinged.
Jade blinked at the message until it stopped feeling real. She didn’t know what annoyed her more, the fact that her succubus homewrecking best-friend was trying to play a joke on her, or that she even had the nerve to text her at all.
“Hid what body? You mean the dead body of our 30-year friendship!? Babe, that’s been rotting in the basement for weeks…” She clicked out the message quickly and sent it to her former kindergarten bestie.
“No, I’m serious. He just…stopped breathing.” The message read. Jade frowned.
Autumn didn’t make morbid jokes. Her best friend’s jokes usually consisted of one liners taught to her by her fifth grade students.
“Who stopped breathing? Your conscience?” She couldn’t help but type back.
“How many times do I have to say I’m sorry. I need your help, and I need it now. Besties for life, remember?”
“Call the police.” Jade typed before deleting it.
Finally — “Where are you?”
She hated how fast she answered. But she couldn’t help it. Autumn was her little lamb. And if anybody was going to kill her, it was going to be Jade.
As soon as she hit send, Jade was on the move, grabbing her car keys. The ones for the car they rarely used. She pulled on a hoodie over the expensive evening gown she had worn earlier that night. Her husband was upstairs, unconscious. Her high heels clicked across the marbled hallway floor as she scurried to the garage.
“You’re lucky I’m coming to help you, you soul crushing harpy.” Her anger getting the best of her, Jade sent the impulsive text before starting her car.
“How many times do I have to say it? I’m sorryyyyyyyyyyy.” Her text whined. “I won’t fuck him ever again. I’m seriously mad at myself, too.”
Jade snorted, throwing her cell on the empty passenger’s seat. The phone sliding down the smooth leather.
To be honest, Jade expected infidelity from such a rich and powerful man. But then why didn’t husbands come with a built-in siren? Instead of just — sitting there like a receipt for an impulse buy you can’t return. An expensive, food-eating reminder.
Jade pulled into Autumn’s apartment complex. The driveway was blissfully short compared to the custom-built nightmare at her own house, complete with an antique gate she imported just for her unfaithful spouse.
As usual, Jade entered Autumn’s apartment without permission, closing the door behind her.
Her best friend sat on the edge of the couch, twisting a lock of golden hair around her finger like she was trying to wring the anxiety out of herself, staring at the ground.
She jumped slightly, head snapping up upon Jade’s arrival.
“Oh thank Christ,” Autumn said. Currently wearing only a man’s oversized t-shirt and black underwear.
When she hugged Jade, she smelt like blue collar cologne and tequila.
“Ew, get off of me you jezebel.” Jade scowled, hitting Autumn with her designer purse. “Whose shirt is that? I swear you’re so easy—”
Without any words, Autumn grabbed Jade’s wrist and pulled her to her bedroom, insults from her best friend so common they’d become like water off a duck’s back.
Jade froze at the sight before her.
On the bed was a man handcuffed and naked. Body covered carelessly with one of her best friend’s covers. A pink fluffy fleece throw that featured the faces of her favorite K-pop band.
Jade found herself stuck somewhere between laughter and horror.
“What a waste.” She smirked, raising an eyebrow. The deceased man’s well toned navel, as well as his entire right leg and impressive manhood, completely exposed. “You call this hiding?”
“I panicked!”
Jade pulled back the blanket. The man was sporting black and white clown-esque makeup complete with bright red ball gag.
“I don’t know if the clown makeup makes him less hot — or more hot.” Jade said with cold indifference before bursting into laughter.
Autumn’s lips twisted disapprovingly, and she crossed her arms.
“I need you to take this seriously!” Autumn complained, Jade rolling her eyes in response.
“Okay, okay. Get dressed slut.”
Autumn simply nodded, pulling on some jeans from the floor.
“How did this happen!?” She scolded her the way an older sister would. “I didn’t think you were capable of murder. You can barely rub two brain cells together.”
“I didn’t murder him! We were just having a lot of fun! Apparently too much because he started having trouble, like, breathing and stuff. Can you die from that? You know, that condition when people need those inhaler thingys?”
“Gee I don’t know Autumn, can air literally unable to enter your lungs be lethal? How novel….” She drawled. “Don’t blame this on your skills in bed. And here I thought I was the narcissist in our friendship…”
“I don’t even know his last name, how would I know about his breathing condition?” She spat defensively. “All I know is he wouldn’t stop talking about something called crypto,” she said in a whoosh, like air leaving a balloon.
“Asthma. That breathing problem is called asthma, Autumn.”
“At least he died happy?” Autumn added hopefully.
“Yeah, if dying inside of the town bicycle counts as happy, then sureeee.”
“You’re being so mean right now.” Autumn pouted, her lips trembling with the threat of tears.
“When would you prefer it?”
Autumn flexed her tiny hands into tight, white balls of anxiety, letting out an annoyed huff.
“Be serious, what are we gonna do?! I can’t survive jail! And what about the death penalty? I’m too attractive to die!”
Jade let out an amused laugh.
“Well, I have no interest in calling 911. I refuse to be a part of a headline that’s not flattering.” Jade said, raising her chin up in the air proudly. “We’re going to handle this like the goddesses we are,” she said, grabbing her keys and Autumn’s arm.
Autumn helped her friend get an impressive inventory of items from her car’s trunk that were suspiciously specific to their current situation.
Zip ties.
Plastic sheets.
Bleach.
Lye.
A shovel.
Rubber gloves…
Autumn knew better than to ask questions.
“Start putting on your gloves now.” Jade ordered, handing Autumn a pair of latex gloves that smelled like baby powder and plastic. “I’ve watched a lot of true crime. We got this.”
Jade gave a disapproving frown at her friend’s disheveled appearance. Hair messy, mascara smeared from her tears. But at least she stopped crying — trying to rally her emotions as she pulled on her gloves.
Once back inside, they moved fast.
“All wrapped up. Just finish taping your side and stop saying, ‘oh my god,’ before I lose my mind.”
Finally finished — Jade insisted they hydrate. Ignoring Autumn’s protests, she pressed a bottle of water to her friend’s lips like an irritated mother feeding her child.
“빨리 빨리!” Jade demanded.
Autumn chugged her water obediently. Jade reached out and smoothed Autumn’s disheveled hair before taking a damp paper towel and cleaning the mascara from under her eyes, which came off easily, since she probably bought it from a drugstore.
“We have to get him downstairs into your car.” Jade said evenly.
“How are we going to get him downstairs without being seen?”
Jade looked over at the perfectly packaged man on the ground.
“If you put a bow on him, he could go nicely under a Christmas tree!” Jade joked, unable to resist her amusement at the whole situation.
Autumn smacked Jade’s arm, Jade letting out her usual cackle of laughter. Autumn’s phone buzzed — they both ignored it.
“I told you. We need to be serious.”
“Then let’s go down the fire escape. Duh. The wonders of a metropolis…” she replied as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.
After about thirty minutes, the girls managed to move the deceased man from the bedroom to the fire escape entryway, both of them sweating.
“There’s no way we can get him down these stairs without being loud as fuck. I live on the thirteenth floor!” She stated the obvious.
Jade looked down at the hem of her dress, a string of sparkle hanging from it.
“God dammit, this is a coveted piece, and I’m wasting it on a man with a ball gag in his mouth and a freakishly heavy body,” she said, running a hand through her dark glossy hair.
Autumn rolled her eyes, her phone buzzing again, causing Jade’s features to sour.
“Can you put your Himbos on mute, please?”
“It’s my mom, she has the flu!” Autumn barked back.
After sitting for several minutes in silence, Autumn finally popped to her feet.
“I have an idea. When I’m like, really lazy, and don’t wanna go outside, I just wait until the dumpster is below my balcony and push my trash off the side! We could do the same thing now!”
Jade looked at her, turning the idea over in her head before waving Autumn away with one perfectly manicured hand.
“Well then go move it!”
As if automated to follow her best friend’s every whim, Autumn left the apartment without hesitation. Her phone buzzed again and Jade narrowed her eyes, her arms crossing in front of her as she tapped her foot.
Her eyes watched out the escape door as her friend struggled to move said dumpster into place.
Once in place, and with their combined efforts, the duo successfully pushed the body over the edge of her balcony and into the dumpster below with a brassy boom that echoed throughout the neighborhood.
“Fuck!” Jade ducked behind the window.
“Do you think anyone heard that?” Autumn asked.
“Are you fist fucking me? Only everyone in your zip code. Let’s go. We gotta get him in the car.”
The elevator took forever as if it knew their urgency. Autumn’s phone buzzed. Jade pinched her friend’s arm, Autumn immediately turned off her phone — wincing in pain.
An overly chatty elderly woman talked to Jade and Autumn on the elevator ride for longer than either of them would have normally tolerated. But they obliged. An alibi was an alibi.
Autumn let out a dramatic gasp after they exited into the parking lot.
“I left my keys inside!”
Jade turned towards Autumn slowly, her expression a mix of disbelief and irritation. She might have even looked menacing if it weren’t for the gray college hoodie contrasting greatly with her short elegant skirt.
“Fine. We’ll use mine.”
After storing the phones away in Autumn’s mailbox safely, the two childhood friends hopped into Jade’s car and drove it towards the dumpster, a bum currently swaying against the side.
“Great,” Jade scoffed, beeping her horn and flashing her headlights.
“Excuse me, I have some trash and I wanna beat the rain. I’ll give you one hundred bucks to move.” Jade called out to the man from her cracked window.
He agreed eagerly. The pair exchanged a grateful glance. The stranger was so strung out on drugs and alcohol, he probably wouldn’t remember anyway.
Jade could feel the camera above them, doing its quiet little job, recording her worst decision in HD. Nothing money could fix.
The bum looked at the bundled shape between the three of them quizzically.
Jade and Autumn smiled back with their whole faces.
“Just donating.” Autumn smiled.
Which seemed — was a good enough excuse for him.
They thanked and paid the man, quickly getting back into their vehicle, the cargo stored safely in her trunk. Jade pushed the button to start her car.
The car didn’t start the first time, which was bizarre. The universe’s way of having a laugh.
“This is karma…” Autumn whispered ominously.
“No. Karma has better taste.”
Jade pushed the button on the key again, like she could bully physics into obeying.
It started.
Every red light felt like a roller-coaster queue.
A cop car pulled up behind them and they stopped breathing, which was ironic considering the circumstances of their hidden passenger.
Jade drove like someone who had never committed a crime in her life, which, until tonight, was true.
During the drive, Autumn tried to coo her bff’s name the way she used to. Soft and familiar, like she still had access.
“We are not talking about our friendship while a dead man is in the back seat.” Jade insisted.
“But I miss youuuuu,”
Jade laughed, and it mingled beautifully with the music on her playlist. She didn’t laugh because it was funny, but because there are only so many ways to be lied to.
“Why did you have all that stuff already in your trunk?” Autumn asked suddenly, ignoring Jade’s laughter. “The plastic sheets and duct tape? You just…keep that shit lying around?”
Jade was always annoyed by her friend’s random perceptiveness. A skill which only appeared at random and inconvenient times.
“You’ll find out soon enough, bestie.” Jade said in a sing-song voice as they pulled up to their location.
Dangerous waters marked with red and white warning signs. Not meant for swimming and more meant for alligator parties.
Easy disposal.
They struggled dragging him towards the banks of the water. His wallet slid out of the loosening bundle. A little reminder that he used to have a schedule. Autumn looked like she might throw up, and Jade realized this was the first time she’d confronted the concept of him as a person.
“Don’t touch that,” Jade said like she was scolding a toddler standing too close to the kitchen burner.
Together they successfully dragged him into the water deep enough before Jade pulled a latex glove from her pocket to retrieve the wallet.
The two friends settled back in Jade’s car and waited. They needed to make sure the alligators did their job.
“You know, I might be willing to forgive you for the whole… fucking my husband issue.” Jade said through gritted teeth as she watched slight movement in her headlights. The alligators had obviously found their snack.
“REALLY!?” Autumn said excitedly. “How?”
Jade gave a deep dramatic sigh and took a moment to compose herself. Smoothing out her hair.
“I never liked sharing,” Jade said. “You know me. If someone even touched my toys, I’d break them.”
Jade leaned back watching the water churn outside the dashboard light.
“Well,” she added lightly, “my favorite one didn’t survive.”
“Oopsies.” Autumn smiled.
“I hid a body too.” Jade confessed. “Now what?”
Autumn didn’t look at her.
She unlocked her phone.
Deleted a thread.
“That’s a shame,” she said. “Your husband was unfairly hot.”