ARIES (March 21st– April 20th)
This week, you will finally do the thing your mom told you were going to end up doing anyway, and she will laugh at your face for knowing you better than you know yourself. Moreover, as Pluto’s orbit synchronizes with the house of Aries, you might find yourself questioning the real motivation behind Plato’s Republic. What are the ancients not telling us?
TAURUS (April 21st – May 20th)
Stay away from movie sequels as they shall only upset and remind you of the fact that no one produces anything original anymore, leading you to a public meltdown at the movie theatre. Though an uncontrollable broccoli craving will come to you by the fifteenth, you must resist the urge to eat broccoli! I suggest you eat a cauliflower instead. However, if you do end up ingesting broccoli, be sure not to disrupt the natural migration pathways of ducks.
GEMINI (May 22nd – June 23rd )
As Venus approaches Earth’s orbit, Geminis should be weary of classical music. You may find out, this week, that your cat likes your neighbour better than you. If you love something, let it go. Your cat will be not be coming back to you.
CANCER (June 22nd – July 23rd )
Your week is going to start out tough, Cancer, as you will realize you’ve been mishearing the lyrics to your favourite song for years, and that the real lyrics are not as great as what you thought. Power through this, though; and you will have a fine week involving lots of activities starting in a silent consonant: knitting, knocking, knighting (only if you are already a knight), etc.
LEO (July 24th – August 23rd )
You and your arch-nemesis will be entering a rough patch as you worry you are being ghosted; and dumped for another arch-nemesis. If said arch-nemesis is another Leo, you might get a chance to get them back. If not, it’s time to move on- preferably with another Leo. Other signs are not strong enough to have you as their most permanent enemy.
VIRGO (August 24th – September 23rd )
A tough decision is underway for Virgo involving either your pet fish being eaten by your cat, or a catfishing scheme online. It is not clear whether Virgo is the catfish or the catfishee in this case, but no one can deceive a Virgo for long- so, if you have been pretending to be someone else online, make sure the person is of the more trusting water signs.
LIBRA (September 24th – October 23rd )
Libra, the universe suggests that something extremely embarrassing you did years ago will suddenly resurface for no apparent reason while you are walking down the street. If you want to avoid this repressed memory, try not walking for a week.
SCORPIO (October 24th – November 22nd)
Brace yourself for a terrible week, Scorpio, as your best friend- the person you would call for help to dispose of a body if you accidentally murdered someone- will accidentally murder someone and call you for your help in order to dispose of the body. Do not hide it anywhere near a body of water, as Mars and Mercury meet and conspire jealously over Earth’s most prized possession. If your friend is a water sign, however, there is no hope and you must betray them by turning them in unless you want to be implicated in the crime once the body is found.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd – December 21st)
Because of Uranus’ extra-galactical scheming, you will find yourself deeply affected by minor details in the coming days. An annoying noise; the misspelling of a simple word, might push you over the edge, so standing over edges is rather ill-advised. If you are a professional mountain climber, call in sick- unless you wish to plummet to your death in a disorderly fashion.
CAPRICORN (December 22nd – January 20th)
The planets have all conferred in order to tell you, Capricorn, that no one wants to see the mockumentary you are making about Jared Kushner’s life. No one really cares about that. This is not directed at just one Capricorn- you would be surprised.
AQUARIUS (January 21st – February 19th)
At times you may fill like you are trapped in a fishbowl, Aquarius, but there is more to life than making up metaphors about your life. As Venus approaches the Earth, you might want to get yourself checked for STDs. In other news, your neighbor’s cat might be leaving him for you any day now.
PIESCES (February 20th – March 20th )
As it is quite likely you will murder someone this week, remember Scorpios will never be there for you when you need them most. Consider going to a fire sign for help hiding the body, as fire extinguishes water and the powers that be will get thrown off. If the one you kill is of a water sign, however, there is nothing to do but turn yourself in.