ARIES (March 21st– April 20th)
Trying days are ahead of those of you who are ten for ten. A ten for ten Aries is someone whose moon and planets are all in Aries in addition to their sun sign. They are all rather unbalanced psychopaths and should seek professional help immediately, before you do something that leads others to find out on their own. If you are not a ten for ten Aries, ignore this message- you shall get by if you stay away from fire arms.
TAURUS (April 21st – May 20th)
As you re-read “The Sun Also Rises” by Ernest Hemingway, you may feel personally victimised due to the violence demonstrated towards your representing animal, the bull, during the Spanish Toradas. In these moments, it is important to remember Hemingway hadn’t an ounce of Taurus on his birth chart, so you will never fully get his greatness anyway.
GEMINI (May 22nd – June 23rd )
Thread lightly. Your moon, so close to Earth at the moment, will temporarily take over your identity and upstage the sun, in an astrological eclipse. This means you should, this week exceptionally, read for whatever your moon sign is, as opposed to your sun sign. Nonetheless, if your moon is in Gemini as well, the eclipse this week will cause you to have a complex identity crisis in which you feel like you are two identical people at the same time- like you are, in a sense, your very own doppelganger; your very own evil twin… I recommend staying in until the eclipse is over… Stay away from Aries especially, as you will both be at your worst this week.
CANCER (June 22nd – July 23rd )
As Earth and Mercury cross paths, it might be time to quit that weird niche interest of yours that’s been alienating you from your ever-decreasing number of friends. Peer pressure exists for a reason, Cancer. If this advice doesn’t apply to you, you will probably have an overwhelmingly normal week, which will make you question the meaning of life and the nature of time and the concept of time.
LEO (July 24th – August 23rd )
Roar, Leo, for it is your time to shine! As your movements match up with those of the Earth, your business trip to Estonia is sure to be triumphant. You will meet plenty of like-minded people if you abandon your company’s delegation and go search for clarity in some obscure village in the mountains, where an elderly druidess shall give you all the answers.
VIRGO (August 24th – September 23rd )
Similar-sounding words will cause you quite a significant amount of stress this week, Virgo; as Venus moves towards Pluto in an unprecedent speed. Whether it is some sort of borough or a person named Alberto that’s been bothering you, it will all come to a head this week. Be weary especially of sentences featuring that rhyming Latin word which I shall not mention but which indicates consequence… Perhaps taking a break from reading Cartesian Philosophy, if you know what I mean. If you work in trade, you heard it here first about the embargo!
LIBRA (September 24th – October 23rd )
Libra, while there is much to admire about your journalistic integrity, it is not selling any paper. Neutrality is out, bombarding readers with your opinions which you present as fact is in. As a Libra, it is physically impossible for you not to be fair, unless there is at least one element of Aries or Gemini in your chart. If not, I’m afraid this is the end of the road for your journalistic career. If you are not a journalist, this might apply to most of the political conversations you’ve been having, and might explain why no one likes your thoroughly thought-through tweets.
SCORPIO (October 24th – November 22nd)
Being a Scorpio means never having to say you’re sorry, unless you actually are sorry- a once in a blue moon occasion. Well, the moon is blue and it is coming to collect! You will actually have to apologise for something this week, and you will mean it. You can blame the Gemini eclipse interfering with your normally unclouded judgement. The sun sign of that to whom you must apologize shall be the same as the house your moon inhabits.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd – December 21st)
The answer is NO, unless you have Mars in Taurus- in which case, MAYBE. It might be asymmetrical like that goat from Bucharest.
CAPRICORN (December 22nd – January 20th)
Jesus was born mid-summer, Capricorn; Christmas was invented by the Catholic Church in order to correspond and therefore replace pagan holidays. Quit telling people Jesus was a Capricorn, please. You are simply embarrassing yourself being historically inaccurate- and we both know that is the most embarrassing sort of inaccuracy, closely followed by spelling and geographical. Apart from that, I would simply advise against the adoption of a cocker spaniel (mutts are fine) at this particular time.
AQUARIUS (January 21st – February 19th)
Those of the Aquarius persuasion may experience an eerie thing this week as Saturn’s rings turn in time: a collective hallucination is highly likely among those of you who are purest at heart. The hallucination will involve a strange conga line, songs being sung backwards, and oceans in space. At that point you must remember, it is just the drugs. You are not as deep as the oceans in space as many Aquarii will be experiencing the same side-effect at the same time all over the world. Be sure to tune in on Wednesday night to your sun brothers and sisters.
PIESCES (February 20th – March 20th )
The answer is YES, unless there is a Taurus moon involved- in which case you might want to wait another week.
In other news, Jupiter will be favourable to you as long as you wear black incessantly all week long. No, grey is not okay, also. Different shades of black are fine. It’s okay to shower.