ARIES (March 21st– April 20th)
Though I am sure it seems like a highly important issue to you, no one cares about the differences between Arial and Helvetica. You should apologise to all the people you have upset over this dispute. Furthermore, everyone knows there are really only two relevant categories of fonts: Comic Sans and Not Comic Sans.
TAURUS (April 21st – May 20th)
That great song you composed, which will revolutionise music as we know it? It’s a jingle from a childhood commercial, so deeply ingrained in your subconscious you haven’t yet realised you didn’t actually write it. That is, of course, only if your Mercury doesn’t belong not in the house of Aries- in which case the song deeply ingrained in your subconscious that you believe to have composed is not a jingle, but the theme of a popular 90s cartoon.
GEMINI (May 22nd – June 23rd )
Before lamenting humanity’s overall stubbornness and stupidity, Geminus, remember the time you almost electrocuted yourself in the most revoltingly obvious way- a knife in a toaster, fishing for burnt pieces of plain toast you intended to have with jelly. Granted, you were a child at the time, but that just goes to show empiricism only gets us so far, and sometimes we have to rely on others no matter how stupid they are.
CANCER (June 22nd – July 23rd )
A puzzling week lies before you as Neptune and Pluto take a break from their inbred rivalry and collaborate, solely to spite you. Because they are so far, however, the exact effects of this joint venture are unpredictable. You should blame this solely on Caltech astronomer Mike E. Brown, who is mostly responsible for Pluto’s recategorization as a dwarf planet. Though Brown is quite clearly of the Gemini persuasion, because Pluto and Neptune are so distant there has been a miscalculation and you will have to pay for the mistakes of your fore-sign. Don’t worry, as cosmic unbalances such as these are usually settled and you will be rewarded for being unfairly punished as soon as the planets realise the fault in trajectory.
You will be spared, however, if you have ever named/strongly considered naming a dog Pluto.
LEO (July 24th – August 23rd )
Oh, Leo. I wouldn’t want to be you. As your trip to Belgium approaches, beware of that country’s most astounding demographics concerning Leos: it seems that Belgians are slightly more dense in leonine births than others, which may cause plenty of conflict in your trip as you meet resistance from like-minded people who do not unquestionably follow orders. As the second least common sign in the US, you may not be prepared to deal with such attitudes from other people. There must only be one Leo, and that is you.
VIRGO (August 24th – September 23rd )
Mercury’s mood swings are to blame for the irritated client you will face at the pet store on Tuesday, Virgo. Of course, two identical Golden Retrievers could not care in the least whether they are wearing a blue tie or pink bow- yet however ludicrous the client’s request that you assign his dogs gender themed accessories, explaining to him that pets do not have gender constructs will not change his mind.
What you could do- and this is merely a thought, not an outright recommendation- is switch the accessories on accident, creating much scandal once the client finally notices his identical dogs have been “misgendered” and the world has somehow not collapsed. A female dog wearing a blue tie? It’s less chaotic that he’d think.
LIBRA (September 24th – October 23rd )
You will make a new friend this week, Libra, only to find out that they believe the Earth is flat. Because flat-earthers deny the science upon which astronomy is based, you must cut ties with the person in question. Incidentally, you will find chewed chewing gum under your desk not once, not twice, but thrice this week, and it will be entirely your fault as you keep touching things you cannot see.
SCORPIO (October 24th – November 22nd)
True crime might be your jam, Scorpio, but a hard choice looms on the horizon: as Venus swirls and twirls in a complicated ballet with the purpose of making you find love where you least expect: the house of Leo. You shall nonetheless fall for a hemophobic Leo- not a homophobic Leo, never a homophobe- but a hemophobe: someone who cannot stand the mention of blood, even on TV. Soon you will be given an ultimatum: it is either your Zodiac’s truest chance at love, or binge-worthy Zodiac killer documentaries.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd – December 21st)
As your social media following grows steadily, don’t get too cocky: many of those accounts are actually bots, and your popularity is but an illusion. Not all is lost, however: this week, your worst enemy will be forced to admit to himself that you did an outstanding job at that work presentation, and then not share that conclusion with anyone, not even his therapist. In other news, this week only it is okay to deposit your chewing gum under other people’s desks, as long as those people are Libras.
CAPRICORN (December 22nd – January 20th)
It’s okay, Capricorn. Everybody knows it was an accident. No one blames you, except the one person whose opinion on this you actually care about.
AQUARIUS (January 21st – February 19th)
Look, Aquarius, I get it- as a fellow defender of avocado in food, or advocado, I too am a fervent fan. Nevertheless, your including that most exquisit fruit on every meal is driving your friends away one by one. If you go on like this, it may be that five, ten years from now you will wake up on an avocado farm and wonder “where did all the avocados go” and remember you have caused their extinction. And then what?
PIESCES (February 20th – March 20th )
That podcast you’ve been thinking up about different kinds of trees will garner less attention than you have estimated. No, less. Even less. Your family will tell you it’s a great idea, but the ugly truth is, foliage textures are not as exciting a subject as you think. If you are absolutely set on this podcast idea, talk about something people are actually interested in- like different methods of brewing stuff!