My tick repellant stopped working so now I’m covered in ticks.
I tried going to the store for more tick repellant but I didn’t make it.
Going to the store took so long new types of ticks evolved and attached themselves to the ticks covering my body.
And then more ticks evolved and attached to them.
And then more ticks evolved and attached to them!
The ticks that feed on ticks have special mouthparts and hooked forelimbs and menacing auras.
The layer of ticks and ticks attached to ticks covering me means I too exude a menacing aura.
The menacing aura makes cabbages wilt and shampoo curdle and infant teeth sprout.
The infant teeth aren’t normal infant teeth.
Sometimes they are as long as man’s little finger.
Sometimes they sprout from the wrong places. The corner of the coffee table, sometimes, or the tip of a nose.
Unicorn Man isn’t a real super hero, he’s just a baby my menacing aura made sprout a tooth from his forehead.
Crows constantly swoop down to pick the ticks off me like blood-engorged kernels of sweet corn.
They carry me up to the powerlines where I sit and wait to shit on my nemesis – UNICORN MAN – as I am electrocuted.
Being electrocuted kills the human inside but not the mass of ticks. They puppet my corpse to smack the crows and scratch my balls.
Unicorn Man removes his head-tooth and sharpens it into a blade that can pierce menacing auras.
He travels from town to town hunting me so he can stab my menacing aura.
When Unicorn Man finds me and stabs my menacing aura the layers of ticks covering me retreat into the hole in his head where the tooth used to be.
And he looks at me with tears in his eyes.
And I look at him with tears in my eyes.
And for a minute I think we might hug.
But instead he blasts me with a grenade launcher.
A grenade launcher rigged to shoot cans of TICK REPELLANT instead of GRENADES!
“Suck on this,” he says, blasting me with the tick repellant launcher.
I tell myself he doesn’t really mean to be talking like that to me.
I tell myself who he’s really talking like that to is the ticks. (And also that it is the ticks in his head hole who are really saying it.)
And the explosion when the cans of tick repellant hit my charred skull becomes a purple mushroom cloud of pesticide and teeth.
Teensy weensy scraps of confetti-like stuff spiral down from the sky like helicopter seeds.
Turns out the confetti-like stuff was my true aura. My true aura, which was in fact actually kind of menacing all along!
Unicorn Man gathers the scraps of me into his arms.
Finally, I think, the hug is really happening!
But instead he takes my true aura back to his lab.
There in his lab, Unicorn Man invents a new type of repellant.
He pours the new type of repellant – which is supposed to protect him from menacing auras – into his head hole.
The ticks flee screaming from his head hole.
And when the crows swoop down to pick at the screaming fleeing ticks like blood-engorged kernels of sweet corn, they reassemble my electrocuted corpse.
And when Unicorn Man finally opens his arms to come in for a hug from my reassembled electrocuted corpse, I do not think, I do not breathe, I do not hesitate.
I dive right into the hole in his head where the tooth used to be.
And his head explodes in a purple mushroom cloud of pesticide and teeth, and teensy weensy scraps of confetti-like stuff spiral down from the sky like helicopter seeds.