Stephen Wells Brand is a Ravenclaw & graduate of University of New Hampshire’s MFA program. His poems have recently appeared or are forthcoming at The Birch Gang Review, Maudlin House, Limestone: Art, Prose, & Poetry, and Outlook Springs. His favorite English phrase is “razzle-dazzle.”
CHOOSE AN OATMEAL THAT YOU MUST EAT FOR EVERY MEAL FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
Dinty Moore v. Jimmy Dean: Return of the Steel-Cut Cheddar Bacon Beans.
DESCRIBE A SCARY HAUNTED HOUSE YOU KNOW AND ALSO HOPEFULLY DESCRIBE THE GHOSTS WHO, HA HA, “LIVE”, THERE, HA HA
(No response provided)
MARKERS, CRAYONS, OR COLORED PENCILS???
Crayons, because of their smell.
EVER JUST WALK AROUND, LIKE AN “EXPERIMENTAL WALK” WHERE YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU’RE GOING AND DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING????
I most certainly do, Kyle. Sometimes I forget what I’m wearing too.
INVENT A NEW EXPENSIVE FRAGRANCE TO SELL
Ape Grape Mist-Tape vol. III— it costs all of your teeth.
EVER BEEN TO THE UPPER PENINSULA OF MICHIGAN???
No, but sometimes, if I point my head toward Southern Central Canada, I can hear the chattering of a lonely wolverine’s teeth.
PAJAMAS SHOULD BE FANCY???
Yes— pajamas that feature steam engines, puffins, hot dogs, or wizard hats are among the fanciest in this mortal plane!
INFORMATION ABOUT BELUGA WHALES HERE
I’m fairly confident in asserting that beluga whales are in a class among themselves as mammals we haven’t tried to wear.
They also strike me as animals that would live entirely on bananas and whipping cream, but perhaps that’s just my bias toward “land foods.”
FEAR OF VENTRILIQUIST DUMMIES INFO HERE
R.L. Stine never made me fear ventriloquist dummies nearly as much as Jeff Dunham made me fear ventriloquists.
ASK YOURSELF A QUESTION
But like, what is a rock?
DESCRIBE AN IDEAL DAY
INTERESTED IN BECOMING A SEA CAPTAIN???
I have, on more than one occasion, considered being a crab fisher on some doomed vessel off the coast of Alaska. Great pay, plus that way I could add a sample of the resulting beard growth to my resume.
FAVORITE PART OF A DRUM KIT?
The ride cymbal, for sure. Great way to open a song. Also good for opening cans of peaches.
ORDER A SANDWICH
“Excuse me, Charlene. I’d like the Honey Barbecue Chicken Super Melt, please.”
BRING ONE DEAD PERSON BACK TO LIFE
Kurt Vonnegut stretches his bird legs once more to take a walk with me along the Broadripple canal; Pall Malls are smoked, in-flight manifests are discussed, a fierce dog attack is witnessed.
questions by Kyle Flak
answers by Stephen Wells Brand
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