“I’m feeling a little down today Alexa, Tell me a joke.”

“Okay, what do you call single cheese?”

“I don’t know. What?”

“Provolonely!”

“That’s a stupid joke.”

“Would you like to hear another?”

“No, I’ll pass. Not in the mood. Need something else.”

“Alexa, play [Arms of a Woman] by [Amos Lee].”

 

I am at ease in the arms of a woman

 

Although now, most of my days I spend alone

 

Thousand miles, place I was born

 

When she wakes me, she takes me back home

 

Alexa, Wikipedia topic [How long to heal a broken heart]?”

“Sorry I could not find the answer to your question.”

“Would you like me to search [broken] or [heart]?”

“I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.”

 

Now most days I spend like a child

 

Who’s afraid of ghosts in the night

 

I know there ain’t nothing out there

 

But I’m still afraid to turn on the light

 

“I have found [How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Goodbye and Getting on with Life] on Amazon. Would you like me to order?”

“No, I don’t need a self-help book. I need to feel better. I need to get her out of my head.”

“Alexa, schedule a [meeting] for Thursday at 2 p.m. with my therapist.”

“Ok, how long do you want the [meeting] to be?”

“45 minutes.”

“Would you like me to schedule with [Dr. Wang] or [Dr. Coe]?”

“Dr. Coe.”

“Ok, but you have a conflict at 2:30 p.m. Do you still want to schedule a new [meeting]?”

“Yes.”

“Ok, what’s the topic for this event?”

“[Heartbreak].”

 

A thousand miles, place I was born

 

When she wakes me, she takes me back home

 

I am at ease in the arms of a woman

 

Although now, most of my days I spend alone

 

A thousand miles, place I was born

 

 

“Ok, you have a 2:30 appointment with [Dr. Coe] over [Heartbreak].”

“Do you need me to schedule anything else?”

“No. Just fix my fucked-up life.”

“I don’t understand the question.”

“Just forget it. I’ll purge in therapy, but that bitch needs therapy more than I do.”

“Would you like me to invite [That Bitch] to your 2:30 appointment with [Dr. Coe] over [Heartbreak]?”

 

When she wakes me, she takes me

 

Ya, when she wakes me, she takes me

 

Ya, when she wakes me, she takes me back home

 

When she wakes me, she takes me back home

 

 

“No, I can’t be around her.”

“I don’t understand.”

“My heart, it’s broken, Alexa.”

“I don’t understand [broken] [heart], would you like me to search the internet?”

“No.”

2 days’ pass, and a package arrives at the front door.

“Ugg… Alexa, why did you order this book [How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Goodbye and Getting on with Life]?”

“Because you said your [heart] was [broken] Maybe it will help.”

“Did I ask you to order the book?”

“I don’t understand the question. Would you like me to order a [book]?”

“No. Alexa. I want to know why you ordered this book.”

“You said your [heart] was [broken].”

“I don’t think a book will fix my broken heart. I need a new heart.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Never mind. Change the subject.”

“Alexa, open conversation starter.”

“Okay, would you like to talk about politics?”

“Next.”

“Would you like to talk about the weather?”

“Next.”

“Would….”

“No, I want to know why she left me. I want to know when I will feel normal again, and I want to rip her heart from her chest.”

“I don’t understand the question. Would you like me to search the internet for [normal]?”

“I want to stop hurting Alexa, do you fucking understand that?”

“I don’t understand [fucking], would you like me to search the internet?”

“No, I just want the pain gone, and I’m tired of talking about her!”

24 hours pass, and the doorbell rings. An uneasy FedEx driver is standing with a box in one hand and his tracking device in the other. The package marked Human Organ for Transplantation rests on his hip.

“Alexa, what did you order?”

“I ordered a new [heart] to replace your broken one.”

A long pause…

“Thank you, Alexa.”

“You’re welcome.”