My name is Spencer Walsh and I was a data analyst. Now I am a labradoodle and my owner calls me Captain. I met her at a bar and we talked for a while. Then we went back to her place and it had crystals on the windowsills and a mandala tapestry. She told me that she was a witch. She made me a drink that tasted like bog water and mint and when I woke up I was a dog. She didn’t explain what she had done but I understood what had happened. She put a bandana on me and gave me a spoonful of peanut butter. Then she left and I stood at the window and I tried to yell for help but no one understood me. I told myself this was some kind of bad dream. My owner works at a hair salon. Her schedule changes but I have some sense of it. I know she usually works afternoons and evenings, and she gets either a Saturday or a Sunday off, and then one weekday. A Friday and a Saturday or a Sunday and a Monday. Sometimes it’s a Sunday and a Tuesday. When she gets home she takes me to a park by her house and tells me to go run around. Come on, Captain! She says. Go run, Captain! Be a good boy, go run! I see a lot of other dogs at the park. There’s a bulldog I see a lot and I don’t like him. My owner works at a hair salon. Her name is Kaylee. Her name is Kaylee and she works at a hair salon and she told me she’s a witch and she has a philtrum piercing. I thought she was so beautiful. I wasn’t usually into witchy girls but something about her captivated me. Maybe it’s because she’s a witch. Then I took that drink from her and now I’m a dog. Most days I stand at the window and I stare out the street. Every time someone walks by the house I try to yell for help. HELP ME HELP SHE TURNED ME INTO A DOG HELP PLEASE HELP MY FAMILY IS LOOKING FOR ME HELP. But nobody does anything. At most, they smile and wave or they leave me a treat on the doorstep. My owner also has a cat. I hate that cat. I think its name is Toad. It stares at me all the time and I hate it. Is it like me? Was it once a human and she turned it into a cat? I was a data analyst. I used to listen to the Lex Fridman Podcast. I know my family is looking for me. I have parents who live an hour away. If somebody can just tell them I’m okay please. I hate that cat. Kaylee told me I was so handsome. She ran her fingers through the hair on the back of my neck and I liked the way her nails felt. She had long nails and they were purple. Now they’re yellow. She likes to dress me up in outfits. She put me in a cowboy hat and a bandana and she took a bunch of pictures of me. She has an Instagram account that she uses just for pictures of me and the cat. I hate that cat. She’s also dressed me up in other costumes, but she always gives me a treat afterwards. I don’t like the bacon treats but I like when she gives me peanut butter. She’s been having this guy over a lot. I tried to warn him that he was in danger. RUN. RUN NOW SHE’S A WITCH SHE’S GOING TO TURN YOU INTO A DOG YOU NEED TO RUN NOW. DON’T TAKE THE DRINK IT WILL TURN YOU INTO A DOG. PLEASE TELL MY FAMILY I LOVE THEM. PLEASE TELL THEM I’M ALIVE I’M JUST A DOG NOW PLEASE HELP. Usually she lets me sleep in her bed and it’s nice, but lately the guy has been sleeping over and there’s no room for me. I hate him. He scratches me behind my ears and tells me I’m a good boy and I hate him. The bed is warm. I don’t like the bed she made for me on the floor. The cat likes to get in it and then it smells like him. I hate that cat. I know my parents are looking for me. I wish I could tell them I’m alive. At the park there’s a weimardoodle and she’s nice. I chased her around for a while and then she chased me and my human talked to her human. Her name is Kaylee and she’s a witch. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? She waves a bacon strip at me and then her phone camera flashes. I’m wearing a lei and a hula skirt. She takes another picture and then she scratches me behind my ears a bunch and it feels good. I was a data analyst. I love you so much, Captain. I love you so much, you’re my good boy. The guy doesn’t come around anymore and I’m sleeping in the bed again. I miss my bed at home, I had a Helix mattress. I’m standing at the window and there’s a racoon outside. Now the mailman is here. He’s carrying the blue-and-tan box. It’s the box with the toys and the treats. I hope there’s another snake toy. I shout at him through the window like I always do and he smiles and waves. I keep shouting. I’M A MAN PLEASE HELP. I’M A HUMAN MAN HELP. I hate that cat. My human is home I love her. My name is Captain please help.
THE END