-He passed in the night. At 2 a.m., concluded the medical experts while gazing with a cold glare at me
-Oh, God! Have I really spent the night next to this stone-turned body? -I burst into tears.
Death has creeped into our walls, and I have let myself be in a carefree slumber. My shameless mind even allowed me to see a dream… Oh jeez, how beautiful it was—more like a fantasy.
I showed people out of my house, and finally I was left alone with my husband’s corpse. He looked so fragile. It scared me. Blue lay on his face. It depicted the infinite melancholy that was deeply kept in his heart with a big lock on it.
My legs started to tremble. I couldn’t handle it anymore; I fell onto his chest and started crying. Tears rolled down on my cheeks, as if the stiffened feelings that were built up throughout the years were slowly crystallising along the way, dissolving, and turning into water, which finally disappeared.
I tried to gather my strength and stand up. Suddenly, a feeling of boundless disgust came over me and got stuck like a ball in my throat. It was suffocating me; it felt just as if I had entered the icy sea, so cold that it made me bitter. I enter deeper, as it drags me. I notice that I have lost touch with the bottom. I want to touch it, but in vain. None of it makes sense. I can’t go back, either. The gravity is getting out of control, too.
I slowly approached my husband. I touched his hair. Grey has seemed to sweep into it. I put my warm, small hands, on which the dirt of life has found its place to settle, on his forehead. I moved my fingers up his hair and straightened his spiral curls. I suddenly began to drift off and lose myself in meaningless thoughts. Well, hair is the most expressive part of the human condition. It is fed by the blood vessels coming out of the brain. Once our mysterious thoughts reach the outside world, they immediately die. These 10,000 threads are embodiments of these dead memories and thoughts. The most interesting part about all this is that after death, hair, like an individual being, continues to grow and add memories… Oh God… his hair looks like a labyrinth of discolored jungle.
I didn’t know my husband at all. He was always stone-hearted towards me. I don’t even remember the last time he told me that he loved me. Oh, but I was so deeply in love with him. I was constantly looking for his dark gaze everywhere, and once I would find it, I thought I was stuck in the darkness of night.
The room filled up with a cold breeze. I looked up at the window, and the moon slid across its frames. It was a violet-eyed night, and I was digging into faded flowers from the past. The moonlight caught on to the room like a fire. As if it were desired to shed light on everything and make it obvious. The light eventually fell on the deceased, and in the grey room, I noticed how troubled his face looked. His teeth were tightly clenched on his lips, and he was desperately trying to hold on to them. Just like that, I have been holding on to him all my life, and now… I started to cry once again. I don’t know what hurts me more—that I have lost him and I feel no regret—or the fact that I have been lying to myself for so long and I just realised it now. I was starting to feel ashamed of my thoughts.
I took his hand and pressed it to my chest; it was so heavy. His big, thin hands carried so much authority. Now, everything is dispelled, or I have dispelled it. These hands could either made me happy or made me miserable, and in both cases, I was silent. God, how I hated this silence.
The sun has already replaced the moon and covered the surrounding environment. It was time to part. I put his hand back on the bed. I looked at him once more and noticed a smirk appearing on my face. I approached him for the last time, kissed him on the forehead, and…
-Mom, I am hungry— came in a little Violet.
-I will make something; meanwhile come here and hug me — She hugged me so tightly that I felt warmth all over my body.
-You are my sun, you know?
–I know.