Kyle McCord is the author of five books of poetry including National Poetry Series Finalist Magpies in the Valley of Oleanders (Trio House 2016). His work has been featured in AGNI, Boston Review, Crazyhorse, The Gettysburg Review, Harvard Review, The Kenyon Review, Ploughshares, TriQuarterly and elsewhere. He serves as Co-Executive Editor of Gold Wake Press and lives in Des Moines, Iowa where he teaches at Drake University.


LIST FAVORITE BIRDS HERE

Big, Toucan Sam, that duck with the giant vault of money who hangs around with the Koch Brothers.

TELL US ABOUT SOMETHING LEAKY

The toilet from the little known “Dance Dance Revolution” competitor “Diarrhea Hero” in which the user had to plunge away dangerous clogs in rhythm to music.

EVER TALK TO A DOG FOR A LONG TIME?

Each and every day.  I have a number of songs that I sing to my dog including the crate song, which is:

It’s going to be great

when you go in the crate

It’s gonna be good

cause the crate’s your hood

MENTION EMBARRASSING SONGS YOU’VE DANCED TO

See answer above.  Also, Sk8er Boi by Avril.  Also “Fingernails for Cash.com” from Family Guy.

CAMARO OR FIREBIRD???

I don’t watch much professional-level Dressage.

PIZZAS YOU HAVE LOVED

I once told a meatlover’s pizza that I loved it, but I think I was just young and infatuated. I didn’t know what it took to love a pizza through the changes that happen in our 20’s, losses in the family, and the distance that comes when that pizza goes into the world to pursue its dreams in the competitive world of dental school.  I met / saw other pizzas on and off, and pretty soon, I stopped calling.  I still wonder what might have happened if that pizza had just stayed.

FAVORITE CHARACTER IN IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE

Wesley Snipes as Blade and whoever it is who plays the plane.

THINGS YOU’D DO ON THE MOON

The moon dishes and clean the hair out of the moon drain and send in the moon rent because SOMEONE has to do some moon work around here!

CAN YOU WHISTLE?  IF SO, WHAT SONGS DO YOU WHISTLE?

Yes.  “Karma Chameleon” Zelda overworld map song.

POND LIFE IS INTERESTING?

As the old adage goes, “Ain’t no pond like Grampy’s pond.”  I know that may be controversial, and especially offensive to people from Western Idaho, but I stand by it.

LISTEN.  A UNICORN IS TELLING YOU A STORY.  WHAT IS IT?

“And then the great horned one spake:

Your new AT6400 AllTouch Infrared (IR) Universal Remote Control (remote) is a true universal remote, functioning as four remotes in one. As one example, you can use this remote to operate your Set Top Box, your TV, and two other devices, such as a DVD player and VCR.  Your remote is initially programmed to only operate your set top box. Therefore, you must program the remote to operate your TV, VCR, DVD, or other devices. See PROGRAM THE REMOTE TO CONTROL MY DEVICES to learn how to enter device codes and program your remote

This is a story my grandfather, Hornulus, told me.  Now I pass it to you.”

ASK YOURSELF A QUESTION.

If a male centaur says he feels like “half a man,” is this a joke or a cry for help?

THE JAR OF JELLY BEANS IS NEAR.  DO YOU GRAB ONE?  WHAT FLAVOR IS IT?

  1. Answer cannot be determined from the given information.

Try this one: Kyle has a bag filled with 5 green jelly beans, 3 white jelly beans, 3 red jelly beans.  If Kyle draws one jelly bean, what are the odds that Kyle will draw one non-white jelly bean?  Consider that Kyle possesses no opposable thumbs.  Also, the bag has a hole in it.  Also, the bag has all this stuff from his wife’s handbag, so this could take a while.

WHAT MOVIE WOULD YOU WATCH WITH YOUR WORST ENEMY?

Kazaam

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?

See unicorn question.  Also, I believe it was Confucius who wrote “It’s all about makin’ that GTA.”