Hank’s mood had little to do with the pain of recovering from his vasectomy.
“I just didn’t like the joke,” he said.
Evan was already laughing, having thought of the joke just as Hank was bringing it up again.
Hank mimicked the pitch of his wife’s voice. “Can you put a cone around his neck while you’re at it?”
Evan kept howling.
“Meanwhile, I did this for her,” Hank said, “and she’s cutting me up in front of the doctor?”
“She likes to bust your balls,” said Evan.
He winced at the phrasing. Neither of them could come up with a joke to slice around the awkwardness. Evan came close in his head, something about the swelling of the balls post-surgery but he didn’t think Hank would entirely appreciate it. Evan was feeling woozy and distracted by the aches of his own vasectomy. The surgery turned out more painful than he was led to believe. He did hope the swelling would go down. Both men shifted uncomfortably on their side of the sectional chaise sofa.
“Well, we showed them, didn’t we,” Hank said. “Pulled a fast one on them. Timing this so we can kick back, relax, and watch every opening game of March Madness.” He took another beer out of the portable mini-fridge beside the sofa.
“Two days of heaven,” Evan said. “Thanks for talking me into it.”
They reached their arms across the sofa and clinked beer cans. Onscreen, the two-seed was playing the fifteen-seed and winning by thirty-seven points.
“Isn’t this the big upset pick you had,” asked Evan.”
“Godammit it was.” Hank let out a wheeze.
Evan gestured toward the score. “Well it’s not looking good, is it?”
“A guy can’t catch a break,” Hank said.
“No such thing as a handout.anymore,” said Evan. He wasn’t sure what he was saying. The hydrocodone was doing its work along with the Coors Light. One of the giant forwards on the two-seeded team went on a fast break and dunked overtop one of the unfortunate souls of the fifteen-seed. Their head coach called timeout and clapped encouragingly.
“This is going to ruin my bracket,” said Hank. “So much for the upset special.”
“I couldn’t believe you picked them,” said Evan. “I figured you had some insider knowledge or something.”
Hank relaxed in his cushion. “I actually haven’t watched much college basketball this year.”
“I don’t even like college basketball,” said Evan. “All the teams that used to be good growing up aren’t good anymore.”
“Hey, this still beats work doesn’t it,” said Hank.
They clinked beer cans again.
Evan reached for the hydrocodone. “My misses was a little confused when I told her, I guess sort of out the blue, that I was getting a vasectomy.”
“Oh really,” said Hank. “Mine was all for it.”
“I guess she thought maybe someday we’d have children,” said Evan. “We haven’t talked about it in a while. To be honest, it hasn’t exactly been fire and brimstone in the bedroom if you know what I mean. The issue hasn’t presented itself. You know, having children. Because you know, before you can even think about raising them, you have to think about having them. Because that’s its own thing you know. Having them. And I guess it would’ve been great. To have them. Lord knows, she’d be a hell of a mother. But you know, it is March Madness. And like you said, there’s only so many opportunities where we can just hang out like this, just boys being boys, and honestly, I’m not sure if she’s even really attracted to me anymore, that’s something you can just feel, and I think when I told her about the vasectomy, yeah it was confusing, but I think it took this weight off both our backs, or maybe it’s putting weight on in just a different way.”
Evan looked over at Hank who was fast asleep.
Evan went on. “And then she was like, you’re doing this just to do this with Hank, and I told her that was crazy, but that’s when it did – you know – kind of hit me. I love you man. I do just like straight up love you.”
Hank woke up a couple hours later in the midst of another blow out.
“Who the hell are these teams anymore,” said Hank.
“Yeah, like McNeese State.”
“Where the hell is McNeese State?”
“Wasn’t on any map we were taught.”
Hank turned up the volume and reached for a couple new beers. The announcers were talking over a graphic of the score. How there hadn’t been a major upset victory all day. How it’d been the least compelling opening day of the tournament in ages.