Mum invited Ian to come to my place this afternoon. She only told me when he was on his way. He doesn’t have a brother or sister, she explained, and I nodded. Ian had big eyes that looked as if he was always waiting for you to answer a question, and our teacher buddied him up with me so I could show him around and help him borrow books and keep his shirt tucked in.
Ian’s father had gone missing a few weeks ago, while hiking in the Grampians. He’d gone out by himself one afternoon, as he sometimes did, but didn’t come home. After a few days, Ian’s mum organised a search party, a big group of hikers, some dogs and a drone. They couldn’t find Ian’s dad, but they did find another lost man, so the rescuers decided that he could just take Ian’s father’s place. Ian’s mum didn’t seem to mind, but Ian was shy. Our teacher called my mum, and told her that Ian looked up to me, and that because of, you know, everything, I might be able to help Ian with the new dad they found in the forest.
Ian stood in my doorway, looking at me with his round eyes. I crossed one leg over the other, like my dad used to. Do you know the old TV series Frasier? I asked him. Ian nodded. Do you remember the dog? Eddie, he murmured. I nodded. Frasier didn’t like him. Well, Kelsey Grammar, the actor, he didn’t like the dog, Moose, and Frasier didn’t like the character, Eddie. Moose was a good actor, he got the job because he would stare so well, but they had to put sardine oil on the human actor’s hands and faces when the story needed Moose, Eddie, to lick them. Anyway, the point is that Frasier–Kelsey Grammar–hated Moose–Eddie–because he got so much attention. Actually, Eddie was two dogs: Moose was the first Eddie, then Enzo, his son, was the second Eddie. What’s your dad’s name? David, Ian whispered. Never mind. The production team used makeup to paint Enzo like Moose, but for the audience it was all the same Eddie. That type of dog was so popular back then, the movie The Mask, Wishbone, all of them had this white and brown scruffy dog. One of the Eddies, Moose or Enzo, I’m not sure, had an interview in Entertainment Weekly, my dad told me, well not an interview but, you know, he was on the cover. Anyway, that guy Frasier, Kelsey, hated Eddie, Enzo and Moose. When someone would say something about them being talented actors, he would explode. “He’s not an actor, he’s a dog!” And that’s kinda true, you know. Have you ever taken a photo of a dog? They don’t know where to look. They don’t understand recording devices. Same with Moose and Enzo, Eddie. They’re both just running from one part of the stage to the other, they do that five or six times and that’s it, that’s their day. Frasier, sorry, Kelsey, would say this, that acting was a craft for him, memorising lines and actions, but for Moose or Enzo, it was like a reflex, they were just looking at their trainer, who was waving around a piece of meat or their favourite ball or something. You don’t understand? Ian shook his big head. Well, Ian, the truth is, when you’re watching Frasier, you’re also watching a documentary about a dog with a job. Moose and Enzo don’t know they’re Eddie; we turn them into Eddie. Do you know Hans the Counting Horse? You’ll probably read about him in science class this year. It was like a hundred years ago, but he was a horse who could count, they would give him a sum, like six minus four, and he would go and clop his hoof twice. You look surprised, like more surprised. The thing is, Ian: Hans couldn’t count, he was just clopping his hoof until everyone who was there reacted to him reaching the right number. The scientists who were trying to figure out if he actually was a counting horse turned him into a counting horse. And did you know that for the last episode of Frasier, they brought back Moose, who had been replaced by Enzo, and even though he was old and his fur was totally white, and he was slow and part-deaf, he saw the audience and became super excited and went back to being Eddie?
I took a breath and Ian blinked his round eyes. Thanks, he murmured. I don’t know, Ian. But maybe it doesn’t really matter who it is. Your dad didn’t make you his son, you made him your dad, I guess. You might be able to just do that again.