Throughout spring, at dawn, the men sing in their front gardens. Some wear pyjamas, others just boxers or briefs, the occasional thong. A few stand proudly stark-naked. As they are not born with lyrics programmed into their DNA, or indeed with any predisposition towards romance, they spend their daylight hours plugged into streaming services—YouTube, Spotify, Apple, take your pick—to memorise love songs. Most men opt for ballads sung by male vocalists. ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love’ by Elvis is popular. Cocker’s ‘You’re So Beautiful’, too. Younger generations prefer tracks by artists like Harry Styles, Sam Fender, and, to a lesser degree, Lewis Capaldi. The more manipulative of the sex will choose heartbreakers in a bid to attract a nurturing female, who might stay after mating to cook a full English breakfast and wash the dishes. Humorous songs in this genre appear to be the last resort of the impotent or avoidant. According to statistics, ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ correlates with the lowest reproductive rate. Most men, based on their limited cognitive abilities, learn either the chorus or one verse of a new song each day and sing it on repeat the following morning. The gifted few learn a whole song and are the most successful at attracting females, whose populations are becoming increasingly scarce due to hunting. Those that survive often prefer a solitary life or seek sanctuary in female family groups, rarely venturing out at night. In response to irregular seasonal patterns linked to climate change, ornithologists have reported evidence of evolutionary behavioural traits—higher-order males singing karaoke-style mega mixes—to maximise their chances of repeated breeding before the high vocal centre in their brains shrinks like their cocks and balls in the early morning chill.
