The following is an excerpt from the recently incarcerated Myrtle Marks’ website: Family Matters
<Note from the prosecution: All links within this article have been deactivated as Family Matters and its affiliated websites were swiftly taken down once the high number of murders and frauds linked to them were brought to federal attention.>
How to Get Written Back into the Will After the Fact: A Six Step Guide
So you did too many drugs and mommy and daddy finally decided to stop paying for rehab? AND they wrote you out of the will? Talk about adding insult to injury. Or maybe you fell in love with the wrong type of person and those WASPs couldn’t imagine letting the grubby little underclass hands that married you grope at their bills once they hit dirt.
Whatever cliche stereotype of Disgraced Former Rich Kid you’ve settled into at this point in your life, one thing is true: you’re desperate. Maybe you’ve got a gambling debt or a sick kid with cancer. Whatever your motivations (I don’t judge), and despite previous good intentions to let bygones be bygones you’ve decided you deserve a piece of the pie after all even if you didn’t help make it. Well, chances are honestly neither did your parents depending on how much they’re worth anyway.
If you’re looking for a get rich quick scheme that only hurts the people who really owe you anyway, then keep on reading dearie. This guide was special made just for you.
Step 1: Don’t Let Them Find the Bodies in the Basement.
This step is number one for a reason. It’s very important.
They can find the bodies of your dearly deceased parents in their beds, in the pool, in the garden turned backside up next to their favorite roses. But whatever you do don’t let them find the bodies in the basement with their blood still on the marble steps after being dragged down.
I can’t say it enough, this step is CRUCIAL..
Step 2: Make Friends with a Lawyer
Preferably at least a cousin as they have some loose familial plausibility to be written into the Will as well. But in a pinch your best friend’s husband, or your sister’s favorite neighbor, even your trusted hairdresser’s ex will do. Whoever it is, as long as they passed the bar and can keep their mouth shut, they’ll do.
If you can’t reasonably add whoever helps you with reforging to the Will without it seeming suspicious, then assure them they’ll get paid after the fact. Have them double or triple your share of the estate so that it includes the fees that you’ll portion out to them once the grave dirt settles.
If you’re worried about angry reactions from your probably also estranged siblings (your parents were greedy bastards weren’t they?) who might be looking to get in on the beneficiary action, don’t be. You’re doing the dirty work after all so how can they complain that you made more of the profits? Just make sure they get a big enough nibble of the good stuff that they aren’t likely to go talking.
Check out this article here to see what to do if any of your co-conspirators including the lawyer DOESN’T keep their mouth shut.
Step 3: Get the Keys
If your parents are still on speaking terms with you despite having written you out of the Will this should be relatively easy.
You might already have house keys. In which case sneaking into a coat pocket or a bedroom or an office to search for the fireproof filing cabinet keys during the next obligatory family holiday is a cinch. Think of it as a Christmas Caper or an Easter egg hunt for the Golden egg. It’ll be the best Halloween your permanently dieting mother ever let you have; she gets the trick and you finally get the treat.
Bonus: Check out this piece by my good friend Ivy Lee on how to make your own soap molds so that you can accurately copy your parents keys without having to sneak them all the way out of the house.
<Note from the prosecution: Ivy Lee is considered to be a co-conspirator in the fraud and murder cases being built against Myrtle and is currently being hunted by the FBI. Most recently she was spotted sunbathing nude on top of the San Diego Police Office, but current whereabouts are unknown.>
If you’re having trouble finding where the keys are tucked away because your parents are suspicious snakes who are afraid the world is out to get them (to be fair, you at this exact moment, are in fact out to get them), think back to childhood.
Perhaps your parents always kept special keys in a travel toothbrush case hidden under the second bathroom’s expansive sink. Or maybe there’s a false tile in the kitchen store room you used to like to hide in and they liked to hide things there too.
Dig back, as painful as they might be, childhood memories are often wealths of information.
If your parents are of a particularly crazy variety who never allowed you keys to the house or car or your own bedroom door, or if perhaps you’ve cut contact with them as an adult (good for you dear) but feel entitled to some of their hoarded riches now, then you might need a slightly different approach.
Cozying up to the gardener is often an effective method to gain entrance to the wider estate at large. Effective bribes might include fancy coffee, exotic plant species, good old-fashioned money, or other various eclectic accoutrements. Get curious and get cozy with the ones who dig up dirt for a living. They have the best secrets and the most access.
I even knew one who collected teeth!
He found his first human molar buried in the dirt near a bed of irises he was thinning for one rich family. And he’d been hooked ever since, never failing to add a few items to his collection as long as he worked for households with at least a 100 million net worth. There’s always bodies buried in those backyards.
Bonus Tip: ALWAYS pay off (or dispose of) your debts. The business of fraud is risky, especially if you aren’t careful about the number of mouths taking a bite from your juicy pie. One neglected mouth might slip open and start flapping to the wrong sort if it’s not well-fed or closed for good. So either pay the gardener his fair share or add his teeth to your own raised beds. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Step 4: Pick your Poison
Technically this step is optional. You can always go the old fashioned route and just waitttt for your elderly rich parents to kick the bucket. But something tells me if you’ve made it this far you aren’t a particularly patient person, and most likely you need some of that gold to flow sooner rather than later.
If this is the case then take this step to heart and read the relevant links I provide carefully. You don’t want to just gloss over this bit.
Besides, there are so many excellent and underrated possibilities to make someone’s timely (or otherwise) death look like a heart attack, stroke, or pulmonary embolism. As I always say: It’s easy to get away with murder if you’re prepared. Here’s a link to my Top 6 Everyday Poisons that No One Suspects, where I go into exhaustive detail about the various simple methods you can use to execute your not so loved one and not be incriminated in the process.
Step 5: Put the Pieces Together Baby!
This is your moment. You’ve got the lawyer to change the Will, the keys to get the Will, and most importantly the means to make sure that Will stays permanently changed. So get that ball rolling kiddo!
If you’d like a little more guidance on what this can look like check out this play-by-play of how one happy customer put their pieces together after booking their one hour consultation with me.
Bonus Tip: If your soon to be deceased parents are larger than your average 90lbs waspish meemaw it’s always good to have a few friends who would help you bury a body on speed dial. Regardless of if you’ll be burying or planting their corpses somewhere it’s good to have someone in your corner just in case, especially since your parents clearly weren’t. Everyone deserves support in their life, even you, my parricidal pet.
Step 6: Act for Everything You’re Worth
You’ll be doing a lot of this now so practice in advance. Tears are good but emotionally distraught silences are often even better. A glazed, far removed look. Haunted eyes. There’s nothing better to deter someone’s nosy line of questioning than that distant salt water sheened stare.
Wrapping It Up
Don’t wait a moment longer my greedy lovelies! Click the link below to get started on your journey to financial stability today.
Limited Time Offer: Book a free ten minute consultation with me, the one and only Myrtle Marks, to talk through those nagging barriers (like guilt) that are holding you back from getting the Will of your dreams.
Related Articles and Links
<Note from the prosecution: All related articles and links have been withheld from the bottom of this post as they are still being actively investigated. Due to staff distress from their contents, processing times have been delayed.>