Dear Literary Event Coordinator(s),
The following document is a rider containing various provisions to assure you of a smooth and professionally delivered off site reading experience at your establishment. Please adhere to these agreed-upon provisions as rigorously as possible. If you have questions, do not hesitate to reach out to us by phone or email.
Note: in an effort to promote and ensure clarity re: naming conventions, any and all references to and mentions of the performer/writer/reader/literary citizen/etc. shall henceforth be changed to the new and proper title of THE TALENT.
We understand that in some venues, THE TALENT will need to make the best of what is available. However, in the event that we suddenly find ourselves living in an ideal world, the minimum expectations of THE TALENT are outlined below:
Three to six (3-6) servings of lager-style beer: American or Mexican beer only. No IPAs; they fuck with THE TALENT’s tastebuds and do not “pair” with anything. Beers should be served in a Schooner glass chilled to approximately 38-44 degrees Fahrenheit (3 to 7 degrees Celsius). Is there a word for that little disc of ice that forms on the bottom of a perfectly chilled schooner glass and plops onto the table below? If not, we will have to invent one. Anyway, there should be one of whatever we end up deciding to call those. Addendum: venue staff should take every precaution to ensure that the Talent is not under- or overserved. This means no less than three (3) servings, but no more than six (6) servings prior to the performance. If THE TALENT only consumes one (1) to two (2) beers, there is a strong risk that he will go into a hyperactive state due to his crushing anxiety/imposter syndrome/ambient feelings of inadequacy. But should THE TALENT’s consumption exceeds the six (6) servings threshold, he will become similarly incapacitated and, instead of becoming gregarious and fun-loving, will only burrow further inside himself. We do not want either of these unfortunate scenarios to impact the evening’s enjoyment.
One (1) coaster, no larger than 4×4 inches, to set Schooner full of beer on top of. This coaster should be coated, sealed, or laminated to prevent stickage to the bottom of the sweating glass. No cork, plastic, or glazed ceramic. THE TALENT reserves the right to pocket the coaster as a souvenir.
One (1) table, bar height: Interesting graffiti a plus, but not required. Table should be near an electrical outlet in case THE TALENT needs to charge his phone. Please note that THE TALENT will not be reading from his phone, as is the custom of the younger literary generation, but will instead arrive at the venue with a three-ring binder containing printouts of four (4) to six (6) selections from his oeuvre on standard multipurpose paper, which he surreptitiously printed at his hotel’s business center while the front desk clerk was too occupied on the phone to notice. These selections will be dotted with THE TALENT’s handwritten reminders to himself, such as “SLOW DOWN” and “E NUN CIATE.” As the evening progresses, he will “read the room” in the manner of a skilled stand-up comedian, and select the piece most likely to provoke an enthusiastic and engaged audience response. For this reason, he must not read first in the event’s schedule.
One (1) chair, bar height: Backrest with lumbar support a must. Built-in foot ring also a must; THE TALENT’s legs should not dangle in midair in the manner of a small child, sitting at the adult’s table at Thanksgiving for the first time. The chair should be stress-tested for ergonomics and stability in advance, but should not provide a level of comfort so surpassing that THE TALENT will want to park himself there for the duration of the event, otherwise when THE TALENT’s name is called, the audience will be subjected to the sound of the cartilage in THE TALENT’s knees popping off like fireworks as he advances, shuffling, to the stage.
One (1) Sharpie: For autographs.
2-4 televisions playing any combination of the following: basketball (college only), fine art slideshows, old silent westerns, yule logs or any other televised event that proves briefly intriguing but not engrossing. Under no circumstances should any of the following appear on any combination of screens: shows from Law and Order franchise, ChiveTV and other viral-video channels of that ilk, news (local/national/international—NHK okay as long as closed-captions are turned off), foreign films (okay as long as English-language captions are turned off), late night variety shows (okay if the captions are turned off), professional football. Addendum: these televisions should not be positioned within the eyelines of audience members in their seats, or the eyeline of the talent when he has taken his position at the lectern.
Restrooms: Clean, well-lit, and well-stocked with toilet paper, hand soap, paper towels/air dryers, and plastic lined waste cans. Gender-neutral preferred, with no whimsical substitutions (e.g., cowboys/cowgirls, wiseguys/dames, whatever-just-wash-your-hands-when-you’re-done, etc.). Signage should be prominent, in order to keep THE TALENT from having to sheepishly ask venue staff where they are located. While cleanliness is a must, it would still please THE TALENT greatly to see the restroom walls fairly crawling with a captivating melange of graffiti, bumper stickers, concert posters, and license plates. Above all, the restrooms should offer a calm, even charming, respite, a judgment-free zone where THE TALENT may retreat when his undiagnosed IBD/imposter syndrome starts flaring up. The door should also be lockable from the inside.
Walk-up music: if the venue is equipped with a digital jukebox software unit (e.g., TouchTunes), or if somebody happens to grab the aux and hook their phone up to the speakers, the Talent requests the following selections to accompany his walk to the stage, depending on the overall vibe in the room. If the vibe is somber and funereal, please play “Tonight’s the Night” by Neil Young (note: please ensure that Neil Young’s catalog is available on the streaming service of choice in advance). If the vibe is ironic but sincere, please play Keith Mansfield’s “Grandstand.” If the vibe is festive, even downright raucous, then please play “Int’l Players Anthem (I Choose You)” (Andre 3000’s opening verse only). Addendum: only play walk-up music if the other readers are doing it. Otherwise, please skip this step.
Audience Participation: Audience members will be asked to fix their attention on an imaginary spot roughly one (1) foot above THE TALENT’s head. At no point before, during, or after the event should any audience member make direct eye contact with THE TALENT (this goes for venue staff as well). Some familiarization with the material is strongly recommended. Ideally everyone in attendance should have read at least fifty (50) percent of THE TALENT’s written output. Excited tittering, snapping fingers, and howls of pleasure are all encouraged, but keep such interjections brief. If the venue has a no open-flame policy, the audience is welcome to wave the flashlights on their phones, should they be so moved. No laser pointers permitted.
Dress Code: Casual. THE TALENT only wears stretchy denim jeans (known colloquially as “jeggings”) and vented fishing shirts, so he finds himself in no position to dictate the sartorial choices of others. But one hard and fast rule must be adhered to: under no circumstances should anyone wearing a conference lanyard be admitted. Conference lanyards should be left behind at the hotel, AirBnB, hostel, crash pad, etc. This stipulation includes THE TALENT. If he ambles into the venue absentmindedly sporting his lanyard, please summon the venue’s security team to unceremoniously manhandle and hurl THE TALENT out into the street.
Photography/Videography: Not only permitted but encouraged! Please adjust phone camera settings to 4K resolution and ensure that the frame rate is kept at 24fps. Basic understanding of the rule of thirds a must. THE TALENT’s right side is his good side. (Note: this will be the lensperson’s left side.). Every effort should be made to photograph/film the talent head-on or slightly from above in an effort not to highlight his double chin. Any visible stains on THE TALENT’s clothes or blemishes on THE TALENT’s face should be edited out.
Social Media: Please use the hashtag #TheTalent when posting about the event or uploading photos/videos from the event. (This includes any photos/videos not directly depicting THE TALENT.). As a courtesy, please also refrain from including profanity in any posts tagged #TheTalent, as THE TALENT’s octogenarian mother checks these feeds from time to time.
Dinner: in spite of all the evidence to the contrary, THE TALENT is a man of simple tastes. No need to bring him bowl after bowl of brown M&Ms, or herring in sour cream. In fact, no need for the venue to provide food of any kind at all–THE TALENT will grab a bite to eat beforehand. THE TALENT rather likes wandering into a local establishment–preferably within walking distance of his hotel or lodgings–bellying up to the bar, tapping his fingers on a menu he will never open, and ordering whatever the bartender recommends. In a previous life, THE TALENT used to research these things more thoroughly while traveling. He would scour search engines for the “best-of” issues of local alternative weeklies, then filter by cuisine and neighborhood, and closely analyze and reconcile the critical star ratings against their reader counterparts before making his final selections. He would then download each establishment’s menus to his phone, planning out every drink, every appetizer, every main course. But at least in this one area of his life, THE TALENT is no longer that person. And though he has long since stopped bowing his head in prayer before tucking into his dinner, he still indulges in a short pause of gratitude before that first bite, because he knows that there is no nourishment more fortifying, no indulgence more sumptuous, than a delicious meal enjoyed with other strangers, together in a strange city.