You only need one pair of pants. I know this because I’ve worn these pants for over seven hundred days; black sweatpants masquerading as jeans; flip up the waist-ties, viola. I don’t know why more people don’t know this. The pants companies can’t be behind it. They’re always telling everyone: “It’s the last pair of pants you’ll ever need.” Yet, the myth persists that you need more than one pair of pants. I’m not sure who spreads this lie, who funds it, or who started it, but I suspect, whoever they are, that they work for my mother.


Nobody likes having their underwear stolen—especially my brother, and I can see why; they are just so darn comfortable. He’s always put a lot of thought into things—and these do not disappoint. The strap is thick without being bulky—the fabric is soft and light without getting bunched up. He gets mad—but I know they’re mine because whenever I need to check if they’re clean, they smell like me now. And those are the rules.


My cardigan is dark blue, thick, knit, and looks much better on Daniel Craig. I know this because I bought it after watching Daniel Craig wear it in Girl with a Dragon Tattoo. It kept him warm while he smoked cigarettes. I felt the urge to hug him and smell him. He looked warm. He looked like he smelled like a roasted nut. I’ve got that same cardigan on but it just smells like cigarettes. It is warm, though, with sleeves, a collar, two pockets, and a whole lot of ins-and-outs of fancy threads, yarns, and strings, likely made from the fur of some exotic yak, ram, lama, unicorn, or some-such other poor creature rare enough to let them justify charging this much for a cardigan.

Dress Shirt

I only own one style of dress shirt—not one dress shirt, one style: Ralph Lauren Oxford Classic Cut: Light Blue. I’m sure they would charge an arm and a leg for it if they thought they could get away with the irony. Instead, they charge one-hundred bucks. I own three. I’d own less, but shirts are not like pants. Because: armpits. Still, they are more obvious than pants, so people often ask, “Do you only own one shirt?” And I say, ‘No, no. Of course not.”—then change the subject before they can ask about my pants.