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How to Poison Yourself
By James Castle (Timmy’s Staff)
Last Updated: August 22nd, 2021
Are you aching for a day off from work, but can’t afford to waste any vacation days? Need a quick remedy to get yourself sick? Do you want to experience a pain of your own infliction? Look no further! Here at Timmy’s Tutorials™, we have you covered. In just a quick, 5-minute read, you’ll know how to poison yourself.
- Identify the source of the problem
To best determine how to poison yourself, you should understand why you would like to. Think about what’s got you down, and give it some real, hard thought. Once you identify the problem, you’re set! Don’t worry about any alternative fixes. This will be the only solution you need.
- Experiment
Can’t decide which method will get you to your endpoint sooner? No worries, give ‘em all a shot! The key is that too much of anything is a bad thing. Here are a couple ideas to get you brainstorming:
- Self-Love: Absorb all the articles and videos you can about how you need to love yourself. Spend your life trying to think of a single reason why you should. Build up some confidence, and once you hit an obstacle, let it all come crashing down. If it was so fragile, you never had it!
- Isolation: There are two kinds. If someone asks you if you did anything fun over the weekend and not a single thing comes to mind, great! You’ve already completed this step. If you’re in a crowded room, consider how you are a phantasm. There is no impact you leave by simply existing. As you return home, think about the trail of ectoplasm you’ve left behind. The only one who can see it is you.
TIMMY’S TIP! Do you deserve your diagnosis? Spend a couple hours taking online mental health questionnaires so you can feel like you’ve earned it!
- Feel the symptoms (or: wallow in the consequences of your actions)
There’s no such thing as being too hard on yourself! The next time you run into a friend in public, pay attention to their expression when they see you. That first look on their face shows how they really feel. Take it personally. Propagate the wound. Let it spread. Avoid making eye contact at all costs. The best method is to train your eyes to look downward rather than straight ahead. Tell yourself you’re looking for things not to trip over. Excuses quickly become second nature.
TIMMY’S TIP! Try this trick: forget everything that has brought you joy until you’re a half-baked husk.
- Refuse help
We live in an age of wider acceptance and empathy for everyone, including you. Don’t let this confuse you! You’re convinced that if they really got to know you, they wouldn’t stick around. And how many people truly do? Ignore the phone calls from Mom and Dad. When someone asks how you’re doing and words threaten to spill, swallow them back down and say “fine.” Withdraw at every opportunity. This is a selfless act. You know what happened the last time you told anyone about what you did to yourself behind closed doors. It’s the only time you’ve been to the hospital, and you’d hate to make everyone worry again.
- Reflect and accept
Feel propelled towards an unknown destination. Never feel as though you want to do things. You hide framed photos of friends you don’t speak to under your bed. Shoved behind them are stacks of notebooks filled with half-finished stories. You are striving to become some person you feel you have to be. Here’s the catch: you have no desire to be a person at all.
This is not how life is supposed to feel.
TIMMY’S TIP! Keep a pair of scissors for a rainy day.
- Observe the results
Here’s the thing I don’t get. You’re at a crosswalk and it’s a bit chilly. There’s a crowd waiting on your side, but none of them have pressed the button. There’s a moment when the traffic is all clear, and in spite of the orange hand, they all go to the other side. You’re still back there waiting. Turns out there’s a red Kia speeding, engine revving, and it has to swerve out of the way to avoid that last straggler crossing who’s got his headphones in. You’re still waiting there until the orange hand turns into a walking man, because there’s something in the back of your head always accounting for that red Kia. It would be so easy to step forward, yet you wait for the walking man, and even then, you still look both ways even if you don’t realize it. You woke up at 4 AM drenched in anxious sweat, biked two miles to the gym, and broke your PR for incline bench. You picked up the dropped pencil for that stranger. You floss every night, double-checking every tooth. There is something in you that refuses to be invisible.
Maybe this tutorial is not for you.
More Tutorials by James Castle:
- How to Make a Banana-Chocolate Milkshake
- How to Create a Spotify Account
- How to Identify Types of Rugs
- How to Bake M&M Cookies