6:31 AM

Facebook wants to know me better. “Decide what happens to your account after you pass away.” Choose a friend. Your Legacy Contact.

Too much pressure for a Friday morning. I go back to sleep.


6:39 AM

I update my status:

remember me, not by my face / nor smile nor voice nor traits /

sit by a window, sip some tea / and read my Facebook updates


6:47 AM

Three Likes; one Love; one Sad.

One comment. Mom has posted a GIF (again). “I’M A SAAAAAAAD PANDA.”

I need to block Mom. Hashtag Friday Feeling.


7:48 AM

Ahmed has pressed snooze for the third time. I switch off the AC.


7:57 AM

Five Likes; three Love; two Sad. One more comment. “Let’s make you famous.”

I archive my post.



9:02 AM

We are in the park. Ahmed is grumpy. “I am late for work!”

“Do you love me or not!”

“Fine! Give me your left profile!”


I check the LCD. There’s lipstick on my teeth. “Why couldn’t you see that, Ahmed?”

“I’m late for work!”

I lick my teeth clean. Cheese!

This picture is better. The right mix of squinch and smile. I blow Ahmed a kiss.


12:30 PM

Google says that the best time to post a Profile Picture is between 1 and 3. Rubbish. I upload the photo.


12:34 PM

General Account Settings

“Choose someone to look after your account after you pass away.”

Notifications. Five Likes; three Love; one Wow. One comment. “Love you!” It’s Mom.

Your Legacy Settings

I type Ahmed’s name. Add. Automated email. “Since you know me well and I trust you, I chose you. Please let me know if you want to talk about this.”


1:42 PM

The picture is a hit. Fifty-seven Likes; twenty-nine Loves; ten Wows.

Ahmed has not replied.


1:59 PM

I call Ahmed. He’s not answering. I have ten more Likes.


2:05 PM

I check the news.

The Prime Minister addresses the UN General Assembly. Brexit talks resume amid growing EU gloom. Greta Thunberg is done with making friends.

I check my Settings.

Ahmed will be able to accept friend requests, manage tribute posts, delete my account. He won’t be able to post as me or use Messenger.

I wonder who his Legacy Contact is. Does he have one?


2:22 PM

I have two hundred reactions. The comments are getting boring. Beautiful! Gorgeous! Lovely! I press Love on them all.


2:27 PM

Ahmed needs to stop liking his ex’s pictures. And I wasn’t part of his endowment policy. He had nominated his mother.


2:29 PM

But he had bought the policy before we had met. And his ex looks like a dumpling now.



2:48 PM

Ahmed calls. Says he was in a meeting. I ask him if he has read my mail. He laughs and calls me silly. I ask him to unfriend his girlfriend. “Ex-girlfriend,” he corrects me. Unfriend her, I tell him. He calls me silly again. Says he needs to go. Another meeting.

“You are silly, and your meetings are silly!”

“Love you!” Click.


2:53 PM

Hundred and thirty-two Likes; eighty-seven Loves; sixteen Wows. I thank everyone.


2:58 PM

Your Facebook Information > Deactivation and Deletion

“If you want to take a break from Facebook, you can deactivate your account.”

This is temporary. I’ll be back.



3:02 PM

Three o’clock on a Friday afternoon. I am sitting by my window, sipping tea.