Icebox Plum : This zinfandel is sinful, sunny. It’s so round it’s about to bounce away—be careful! It’ll hit you on the nose with its licorice and clove, except that all of our bottles are pacifists. It’s just plum tasty.


Bread & Blonde : This’ll grow some hair on your nipples. Sorry about that. It’s an unfortunate side effect that we haven’t been able to prevent. I assure it’s completely reversible, though. Plucking can be a fun activity to enjoy with your partner! Our studies show that two out of five women love to pick at their partner’s skin.


A Big Ole Jug : Imagine you’re running a race, only backwards. Not running backwards, but you’re trying to go as slow as possible, and the finish line is a big mound of earth that looks like a grass-covered tit, and you know that inside, through the Hobbit hole door, there’s something that you really, really want. What’s inside is this wine. Make it into a milkshake and serve with brownies.


Midnight Merlot : Have you ever hiked up a hill to watch a meteor shower? Have you ever known a girl who was half Spanish, but still faced racism because she lived in a really small, shitty town in Pennsylvania? Did that girl own a pink-handled machete? Was she one of the most beautiful people you’d ever met? Did she learn to drive in Korea and California? This is the wine she would have brought up the hill if you weren’t underage or she weren’t so concerned with legality.


Reality Rosé : Think about the first time you ever drank wine. You probably either threw up or wanted to, right? This is not that wine. It was not made in Australia, and it definitely wasn’t bought for you by your ex boyfriend’s husband.


Her(a/o) : Let your vision go all blurry. Good. Now think about the most beautiful person you can conjure. Imagine they’re in the Greek Pantheon. Who are they? Good. Now imagine them naked, and standing in a fountain. The fountain is flowing, full of this wine.


Placenta Pinot : Fat cells make great pets. I’m not saying this blend will make you regress back to a time when you were still drinkin’ your mama’s milk, but I’m not sayin’ it won’t.


Light Lush :  Go for a walk together and get naked, roll around in the moss: earthy, fleshy, oaked. Pretty soon you’ll feel toasty. Enjoy with raspberries and brie.