I milk likes by posting comments on YouTube. I regurgitate Tropic Thunder quotes. Bloviate about Rasputin. Make comments about friendship being like politics, rife with promises.

I love bold thumps ups. Liking is one click away.

Sometimes, I conjure the commenters in my consciousness. One’s a Tropic Thunder geek, who loves the satirical implications in Robert Downey Jr’s blackface. Another’s comforted by Will Ferrell yelling in SNL clips. They have friends who don’t remember them or block them from Facebook.

I post new comments. Tell me a depressing or intimate fact about yourself.

Not one like. Not even a dislike.