I hope this doesn’t come as a severe shock to everybody, but I’m through. I know what you’re thinking. No hips, skinny—it’s sad, it’s poignant. Only exercise I get is the shakes every morning. Ha! Just joking. You’re looking at the middleweight champion of the world, baby. Now ring that goddamned bell.
Ding dong! It’s the cocktail hour. Lot of booze and wine flowing around here tonight, boy. I’m probably the only sober one in the group. Oh, who am I kidding? The only thing more stoned than me right now is a United States embassy.
Speaking of which, where’d that cocktail waitress go? You know, I have it on good authority she takes a little dope on the side. Dirty old witch.
Looks like the gang’s all here, huh? Not many of us left. Anybody need oxygen?
Hey, Joey! Why don’t you lean down and whisper comething cupid in my ear? Atta baby. I hope you live to be a hundred fifty years old and I’m your pallbearer.
And of course Rickles is here. Don, you want to meet Monday, we’ll pick out some furniture? What’s that? You have to be some kinda machine to understand what he’s saying. He must be Hitler’s kid.
Now that I have your undivided attention, I think I’ll linger here a little bit. Don’t get nervous, folks. The act gets better as we go along.
Here’s one of the dirtiest songs I ever heard, “Light My Fire”. But it’s not dirty when I sing it.
Light my fire!
Light my fire!
Light, light, light my fire!
Thank you, thank you, you’ve been a delightful audience. I have never felt so much love in one room in my whole life. Tonight with all of us together for this hour it sure has fulfilled my dreams. I love you all. God bless you. Take good care of yourselves.
Now I hope this doesn’t shake you up, but I have a plane to catch. This man here is gonna take me by the hand and he’s gonna lead me down the path to righteousness. Or he’s gonna lead me from one saloon to another. And then directly to the sheriff’s office.
There’s nothing further to be said. Hold on to your handbags! This is part of the beginning.