First and foremost, you must always remember that you are a brand and even more importantly, you are his brand. This company was built on his genius, and we serve at his pleasure, and his pleasure alone. Our fearless leader (you’ll never meet a more generous guy) believes that when we march through those doors every day, we should (a) suit up for game day, and (b) be just a little bit scared to lose the amazing opportunity to work here (a little fear is good for the soul and sends productivity into overdrive). Men must come properly coifed (no facial hair—we aren’t terrorists for god’s sake—and we prefer that you do indeed still have your hair). Manicured nails and cufflinks, of course. (We have a shoeshine in the parking lot in case you’re running late.) Tattoos of any kind are strictly forbidden (you won’t feel safer anywhere else—there’s no thug in hell that’s penetrating these walls), though we do allow ties to be removed if temperatures exceed ninety-seven degrees (this isn’t a dictatorship, after all). Ladies (and we do expect you to present as such) are expected to blowout their hair daily and wear it either shoulder length (we don’t buy into this whole gender-neutral-women-look-like-men thing or whatever it is the kids are doing these days), or six inches past the shoulder (free love my right foot). Speaking of feet, no open toe shoes (let’s not be obscene) and nails are to be nude-toned or left bare (red is for you know what.) Your office has a beautiful view and that couch is quite comfortable (slept there myself when the missus was a bit hormonal) and I hope it pleases your taste, which I’m sure is as elevated as our own. Suits should be black, navy, or charcoal grey (but everyone knows that.) Mostly, if I haven’t said it yet, we’re thrilled to welcome you and want you to feel at home, and, moreover, free to express yourself and be your unique and wonderful you (diversity is a core value of ours). Because we are not just a company here, we are a family, and we know we only thrive as well as our people. Anyway, enjoy the snacks (the Kool-Aid is always a big hit), make sure to keep your priorities straight (along with everything else), and always remember family must come first. But never forget, you are only as great as what you bring on game day, and we are counting on you to win. So let entitlement be your guide and bring urgency and relentlessness to everything you do.
Emma Anna