EL SEGUNDO SECT OF THE SATANIC ASSEMBLY OF AMERICA (SAA)
Date: 8/10/2020
Start time: 6:00pm
Venue: Pasadena Hyatt Business Lobby
6:02pm – CALL TO ORDER/MINUTES
Last week’s discussion topics:
- sacrificial offerings calendar
- upcoming election for council members and President
- is mark of Satan still prerequisite for leadership?
- ballot or blood?
- drug tests – yes!
- congratulations to Wendell and Marcy on their new baby
6:17pm – FINANCE COMMITTEE UPDATE
Gains:
- post-bankruptcy Nic Cage movies
- Applebee’s franchises (El Paso, Des Moines, Rancho Cucamonga, Boise)
Losses:
- NIN-themed weddings
- Applebee’s franchises (Phoenix, Baton Rouge, Florida)
6:30pm – ENVIRONMENTAL AND SAFETY COMMITTEE UPDATE
- virus, fires, hurricanes, happy mistakes. Hail Satan!
6:44pm – DEBRIEF OF LAST MONTH’S MISSION TRIP TO ORANGE COUNTY
- white women prime candidates
- Target great place to evangelize
- Whole Foods also yielded great results
- apologies for the food poisoning (fish left out too long)
- group bonfire major success! (thanks Gil for providing the blankets)
7:15pm – lights in room explode
7:17pm – couch is on fire, room aglow in crimson
7:18pm – it’s Keven (Satan’s nephew)
7:22pm – President calls to order
7:25pm – Keven transforms into thirty-foot snake, eats two council members
(Note: While it is unknown whether or not Keven was aware, the two council members Keven ate were unable to apply for re-election as they have exceeded the allotted terms held by SAA members in accordance with bylaw X.23 Article V. No real harm done.)
7:32pm – President introduces the guest speaker for the evening, Keven
7:35pm – Keven takes the podium
- Keven sent by Satan to notify SAA of reorganization in Hell
- reorganization will affect current SAA members/committees
- SAA position titles will be reconfigured, rebranded
- SAA members must reapply for new positions in order to maintain membership
- applications will be open for 5 days internally, then 5 days externally
- election postponed until reorganization finalized
7:46pm – The council recognizes one of its members:
“Hello, Roger Robinson, member since 1987. Lord Keven, can you explain the purpose of this reorganization? It seems abrupt. Also, will the number of positions within the SAA be consolidated or will there be somewhat of an expansion? Thank you.”
7:47pm – Keven melts Roger’s face off. Roger left screaming, begging for help on the floor. His body folds in half, sinks into the ground, down to Hell. Hail Satan!
7:52pm – “No more questions.” – Keven
7:53pm – KEVEN PERFORMS CAKE’S “SATAN IS MY MOTOR” WITH DEMON CHILD CHOIR
8:03pm – Keven turns into giant bat, flies out of the lobby and into the Hyatt Parking lot. Hotel guests screaming. Keven takes giant shit on frightened guests, flies through portal back to Hell. Hail Satan!
8:15pm – President motions to adjourn meeting
8:16pm – Gil seconds motion
8:16pm – All in favor? (all hands, aye)
8:17pm – Meeting adjourned. Hail Satan!