These voices inside of me are really going at it today, like I’m overhearing parts of myself talking shit about one another, and when they notice I’m listening they all start tattling on each other at the same time, demanding my attention, fighting like little kids and trying to convince me in their adolescent logic that they are right, that they are important—some scream, some cry, some are downright fucking mean—but there’s this big dude just chilling out there, not saying shit, all the other parts that bitch and moan giving it a little space.
It says, Come on, get stoned.
Then this other, even bigger dude steps up next to Come on, get stoned. Dude’s smug as fuck, but like an earned smugness, gives off similar vibes as Come on, get stoned except older, stronger.
It says, Fuck it.
I don’t argue, take my break, do a couple hits while driving laps around the nearby neighborhood, park and light a cig.
Everything quiets.
Then Come on, get stoned pops back up, brings out its buddy.
Its buddy says One more.
Yep, sounds right, I take another hit.
But before I can stash the pipe back in the console, they chirp up again–
Come on, get stoned. One more.
And I’m thinking about it, trying to look for that part saying I think that’s enough, but it already came around once and it gets tired, too tired for persistence, weary with dispirit, and right when I notice it, the exact moment I think that’s enough starts to speak up, in struts Fuck it like it’s setting shit straight, Come on get stoned and One more hot on its heels, and that’s all it takes, I rip another hit, torch the fucking thing, blow it out and light another cig, my mouth dry as shit because I hurried out without any water, and now the peace is shattered by a rush of voices, You fucking idiot the loudest for awhile, right there next to Too much, until Someone is gonna notice says its piece and brings the rush of voices to a roar and my heartbeat’s definitely rising, and then Thirsty and Someone is gonna notice start yelling at each other, You fucking idiot just screaming randomly and making me fucking cower, and then they’re all chittering like a swamp full of mating bullfrogs and I can’t make a thing out but its so loud, reaching pitches overwhelmingly deafening and I take out my phone, just start scrolling randomly, scrolling and scrolling, colors and words blending together, until I realize that something caught my eye a couple manic scrolls ago, and the voices calm a little, peaking out interested as I slowly scroll back up to where I find it.
Macaulay Culkin legally changed his middle name from Carson to Macaulay Culkin, making his name Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin.
Things start getting a little better after that.