An Epistolary Midsummer Romance
“I frown upon him, yet he loves me still.”
Hermia, ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’ by William Shakespeare.
PART ONE
(Midsummer Night)
EMAIL FROM THE CHATEAU MARMONT TO LANA DEL REY’S MANAGEMENT
Mr. Daniels,
Your client was accompanied by a masked cowboy for dinner at the Chateau. Their interaction seems to have ended on a sour note, and Lana is now in tears, inconsolable at her table.
I request your instructions.
Best regards,
Gregory J. Snider
General Manager
The Restaurant at the Chateau Marmont
EMAIL FROM LANA DEL REY’S MANAGEMENT TO THE CHATEAU MARMONT
Greg, sorry I missed your calls. Pls escort her to a bungalow pronto, u have our payment information on file. Make sure suite is equipped with usual:
- a Royal Scriptor 69149V typewriter, or Underwood
- an ample supply of paper
- chamomile tea
- kittens (if avail)
Don’t worry, it’s moments like these that bring about her best work.
Harper Daniels
PART TWO
(ONE MONTH EARLIER)
ENTRY FROM LANA DEL REY’S JOURNAL
Dear Diary,
I must confide in thee about my deAr, sWeEt, handsome fiancé, Jasper. I dO adore him. But WHY must he iNsist on writing? Am I seriously being foRce-fed English pOrk and bad dialogue tOnight, AGAIN? Ugh.
BeinG that he is a British Shakespearean actor with a mellifluous, rich and commanding voice, I had assUmEd he would also be blessed with poetic flair.
Alas, his screenplays are pUre cringe.
When he reads them to me, my bRaiN begins to wither and dEcoMpose, like that HBO show where the global pandemic turns everyone in to mushrooms. The Last of Us. Actually, he dOeS looK somewhat like Pedro Pascal, that hOt buttered crumpet.
Silver linings.
He’s calling me downstairs for dinner. TonIgHt, yet again, I will do my duty. I will smile sWeEtly and devotedly as I consume his garbage.
I long for Catalina.
For sweet lemonade.
For the crunching sands of Xanadu.
But tonight, I will lay back and think of England, that dank, self-imPortant resentful little pudding of an island.
ENTRY FROM JASPER’S JOURNAL
TONIGHT was DREADFUL. SIMPLY DREADFUL.
disdain oozed from LANA’s every pore as I read her act III of “PUCK’S REVENGE”.
I know she is threatened by my talent, but still. that’s no reason for such overt callousness.
her cruel dismissal of my artistry has wounded me, yes, very deeply, and that is why I punish her nightly with haggis, pork faggots and all of mother’s most diabolical concoctions. I shall do so until she is able to recognize that her’s is not the only heart that beats at this table.
it is only my physical beauty she lusts after. not the truth that lives inside. Lana’s inability to see beyond my appearance is disheartening. And yet So typical of this shallow, barren wasteland they call hollywood.
when we make love, I think of dreaming spires, of the slow rivers of stratford-upon-avon, of a bare, dull morning in the English countryside with all her unassuming honesty. Then I open my eyes, and there I am. Entwined in a LIE.
My name is Jasper MACQUAID. Let me not forget myself in this barbed and lonely place.
Soon, LANA will realize I am the greatest writer she has ever known.
PART THREE
KID ROCK’S FIRST LETTER TO LANA DEL REY
Lana,
My name is Kid Rock. As you may know, I’m just a cowboy, wild and free. I’m also a straight shooter, so I’ll get to the point—your music, Lana, it hits me right in the nuts.
I had to write to you to tell you that I am drawn to your enigmatic spirit. Your songs have touched the lives of millions, includin’ mine. Your velvety voice carries the weight of emotions all of us feel, but so few comprehend.
I’d be honored to share a stage with ya, some day. Or maybe just the pleasure of your company, aboard my super yacht, the Rock It.
Together, we could rock the world.
Kid Rock
ENTRY FROM LANA DEL REY’S JOURNAL
Dear Diary,
Okay, hOw weird is this—I just received a letter from KID ROCK.
The envelope was drenched in Chanel Coco Mademoiselle, and when I opened it, peony petals cascaded out.
Inside, I found a note typed in Comic Sans—apparently, Kid Rock thinks I’m the queen of poetic vibes, and because he’s a rebellious cowboy, wild and free, he’s attracted to me— even though I cannot imagine a more profoundly awful cosmic or creative mismatch than that of Lana del Rey and Kid Rock.
I am bEwIlDeReD by this letter, stunned that he even knows my name. Nonetheless, it’s the thought that counts, so I’ll be drafting a response, expressing my appreciation for his, um, efforts.
LOL.
LANA DEL REY‘S FIRST LETTER TO KID ROCK
Dear Mr. Rock,
I want to start by expressing my gratitude for your kind words and the admiration you hold for my music. It means a lot to me to have support from fellow artists.
And while I respect the impact you’ve made in the industry, I must politely decline your invitation to collaborate.
With appreciation and respect,
Lana Del Rey
KID ROCK’S SECOND LETTER TO LANA DEL REY
Well, howdy Lana,
I gotta tip my hat to your decision to just say no. (Shoot, I should’ve used that word a bit more myself, over the years.)
Anyways, I admire your dedication to your own artistic journey. Every artist’s got their own trail to blaze, and it’s all about staying true to yourself, as we know. Your commitment to keepin’ it real in your art, well, I got nothin’ but respect for that. It inspires me every day.
Oh, and I do appreciate how gracefully you handled this situation. Guess I’m just a dreamer, looking for love in all the wrong places.
Respectfully,
Kid Rock
PS: I wrote you a poem, tried to do it in your style.
“DON’T GHOST ME, LANA”
Hey there, sweetheart, your cheek’s so pale,
Let’s spice it up, ain’t no time to bail,
Roses may fade, but we’ll make ’em last,
Fast and furious, a blast from the past!
Lana’s blazing, my engine’s revved,
Kid Rock’s ready, yeah she’s all prepped.
Embrace my chaos, a rebel’s desire,
All night long I’ll set you on fire.
So crank it up, let the rock ‘n’ roll roar,
Kid Rock style, we’ll even the score,
In this wild ride, Lana takes command,
With Kid Rock’s heart, and the world in her hands…
PART FOUR
(ONE YEAR EARLIER)
PRESS RELEASE FROM THE AHMANSON THEATRE, LOS ANGELES
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Lana Del Rey and Jasper MacQuaid from Ahmanson Theatre’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” Confirm Relationship Rumors
Los Angeles – The Ahmanson Theatre is delighted to announce an unexpected twist in the realm of love and theater—Lana Del Rey, the renowned singer-songwriter, has found love in the arms of Jasper MacQuaid, the handsome actor/poet/model portraying Puck in this summer’s production of Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”
Their journey began during Lana’s captivating portrayal of Titania in a week-long run. Sparks flew as their paths intertwined on the stage, forging a connection that has transcended the boundaries of performance, and spilled over into real life.
Please reach out with any inquiries regarding interviews or upcoming events related to this remarkable love story, or for exclusive press shots showing the couple strolling hand in hand through Los Angeles, as they embark on a shared journey that intertwines the magic of the theater with the melodies of their souls.
PART FIVE
ENTRY FROM LANA DEL REY’S JOURNAL
Dear Diary,
Jasper is driving me sRslY insane. He’s on his laPtOp all day, looking mIseRable, courting the muse.
Jasper, I am the writer in this house. A New York Times best-selling poetess with my debut collection, “Violet Bent Backwards Over the Grass.”
Stick to acting, Puck! Even though you haven’t booked a job sInCe Puck. Ugh. FuCk Puck.
I need mOrE than this. I need mOrE depth.
I need lEss than this. Less ambition.
Someone capable of appreciating me for who I am, not what I can give them…
LANA DEL REY’S SECOND LETTER TO KID ROCK
Dear Kid Rock,
It has been some time since we last corresponded.
During this period, I have had the opportunity to rEflect on our previous exchange. Maybe our goals aren’t so different, after all.
Our shared passion for music. Your unwavering suppOrt.
Our bare feet on life’s linoleum.
In your letter, I sense genuine affection from someone who needs nothing from me, and I apprEciate those things with all my heart.
I can’t let these feelings go unexpressed. Life is too short to hold back on matters of creative connection.
With sincerity and an open heart,
LanA DEl ReY
KID ROCK’S RESPONSE TO LANA’S SECOND LETTER
Lana,
Whoa.
You sure got guts putting it all out there and letting your feelings fly. And since you’re being honest with me, I reckon it’s only right I do the same and share something that’s goin’ on in my life right now.
You see, I’m tangled up in this relationship but I don’t think she really sees me for who I am. I need to have a real talk with her about where I stand. ‘Cause she might have my body, but it’s you, Lana, who’s got my soul.
I know you got yourself a man, Lana, and maybe you’re open to things too. But, boy, there’s something about you that makes me wanna give you every last piece of me, with none left over for no-one else.
Our connection, it’s special, I believe. Worth exploring, with respect, consent, and clear communication. Would you be willing to take a risk with me? It can be our secret. Or we could tell the whole wide world. Whatever you prefer. Just know, I am your humble cowboy.
With sincere intentions,
Kid Rock
LANA’S RESPONSE TO KID’S THIRD LETTER
Dear KID,
(May I call you Kid?)
Thank you for your candid resPonse.
I need some time to reflect on my own desires, and what all this means for me as an artist. And as a woman.
I will visit the Self Realization FelloWship and ask the spirit of Paramahansa Yogananda for guidance.
I will gather seashells on the seasHore.
I will seek perfect florals.
Until then, I cannot speak with you again.
Yours,
Miss Lana Del Rey
PART SIX
THERAPIST NOTES
Patient Record: Lana Del Rey
Therapist: Dr. Linda Jordan
Session Notes:
In today’s session, client shared her inner turmoil and conflicting emotions regarding her engagement to Jasper, the actor who played Puck in the Ahmanson Theatre’s production of “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” to mixed reviews.
Client revealed she has been receiving heartfelt letters from Kid Rock, which have stirred emotions within her and made her question her current relationship.
Client expressed admiration for Kid Rock’s passionate words, acknowledging how they have resonated with her poetic nature.
During our discussion, Lana expressed concerns about her fiancé’s ability to match her lyrical prowess and romantic sensibilities. She fears that their creative energies may not align, leading her to doubt the depth of their connection.
We explored the importance of open communication in relationships and the significance of shared values and interests. I encouraged Lana to consider the underlying reasons behind her attraction to Kid Rock and his letters, and how they align with her own desires for emotional connection and creative expression.
Further sessions will be scheduled to provide ongoing support as Lana navigates her emotions and makes decisions regarding her engagement and future relationships.
PAGES FROM LANA DEL REY’S JOURNAL
Dear Diary,
Dr. Jordan said I need to commUnicate my feelings to JAspEr. I will do it the way I know best. Through the postmodern poetic channeling device that resides within my heart.
I wrote a poem, inspired by those first scenes in A Midsummer’s Night Dream, where Hermia resists Demetrius’s literally psyChopAtHic attempt to force her into wedlock.
Not only is it obJectively good, it literally screams my truth in every fUcking syllable. Anyone with a shred of empathy could decIpher the meaning within it.
Except Jasper.
He read it, slowly. Gave it back and said he was going to his apArtment to work on his script. I wish he’d stay there.
I MUST call off this fucking wedding before I go on tour.
Anyway, here’s the poem.
“As she is mine, I may dispose of her.”
The kIlLeR,
Observes hIs bride.
“What’s up, babe?
Your cheek is hElLa wan.”
The MoOn,
The roses there,
Eavesdrop on their conversAtiOn,
Distressed by this sItCh,
The empty declarations
Of a young man awaiting his inheritance,
The deep uncertainty of his wIlFul bride,
The
Hints of
Future carnage.
One day, she will pay,
For living according to hIs laws.
For submitting to
All the fathers and
All the sons,
Over-full of self-affairs,
With smUg emphasis and rationale.
Why is she unmoved by his lOrdshIp?
Was she made bOld by some power?
She’s prepared to disobey, it seems.
Resist this structure.
She’ll take death,
Austerity,
Celibacy,
A single life upon Diana’s altar,
DeVoid of hot girl summers.
Yes, she’ll stay fruitless,
Feeble
Rather than be chosen by hIm.
“Whatever, bro,” she says, when he threatens to murder her
Under the new moon,
“Go ahead, enrich my pain.
But never will I dote in idolatry.
I am your sweet lady, with bare feet on linoleum,
And I will never be pOssessed.”
PART SIX
ENTRY FROM LANA DEL REY’S JOURNAL
Dear Diary,
OMGOMGOMG
KR posted thIs today on Insta, with a photo of a rose. I mean…it’s gotta be about mE, right?
I’M SO FUCKED, LoL
🤘🔥
With our music, we’ll set the stage ablaze,
In this crazy world, let’s rock ‘n’ roll always.
🔥🤘#WildHeart #RockNRollLove #UnstoppableFire #Lyrics
ENTRY FROM LANA DEL REY’S JOURNAL
Diary,
Today, I haVe no anSwers.
His letters are oN my shrine. This feeling is unknown and vast.
I know we’ll go vIral. I can’t wait to spiral into him.
Oh shit—he just sEnt me an email.
Fuck fuck fucK!
EMAIL FROM KID ROCK TO LANA
Lana,
I ended things with my other squeeze. My heart’s all set on you, girl. Ain’t no doubt about it.
I’ve gone ahead and booked myself a flight to LA. I’ll be there next Tuesday.
Let’s rendezvous at the Chateau Marmont, 7pm. We’ll have dinner. I’m dead serious ’bout this, darlin’. I wanna explore what we got. Together, we can create a love story that’ll leave folks speechless.
Ready for the rest of your life, babe?
I am.
Kid Rock
ENTRY FROM LANA’S JOURNAL
I stanD at the precipicE of a pivotal moment.
Stepping into Kid’s worLd will signifY the demise of who I once was, of my engagement to Jasper.
Am I truly ready for the profound chaNges that await?
Obviously, there is only choice I caN make. It must be the most poetic one.
I will wear a black veil to dinner, not onlY as a symbol of uncertainty, but also as a shield, prOtecting the precious remnants of who I once was, as I step into this new truth.
The old version of myself will fade into oblivion, and that will hurt. But perhaps that’s all I’ve ever wanted.
AnNihilaTion bY moonliGht.
PART SEVEN
TEXT FROM LANA TO HER MANAGER
Hey! Last-min change of plans, sry! Pls cancel my rehearsal 2moro. Got an unexpected meeting at the Chateau Marmont I can’t miss. I’ll resched the rehearsal ASAP to make up 4 lost time.
RESPONSE FROM MANAGEMENT
Thanks for letting me know about the change. Could you fill me in on what’s going on?
TEXT FROM LANA TO HER MANAGER
Sry, but I can’t really spill the deets on the meeting. It’s all about love & poetry. Trust me, it’ll pay off big time. Thanks for understandin’.
RESPONSE FROM MANAGEMENT
Quick question. I noticed you used “understandin’'” in your last text, and it’s not really your usual style. Are you feeling alright?
TEXT FROM LANA TO HER MANAGER
Thx for caring, but pls stop micromanaging my self-expression. I get that you’re lookin’ out for me, but I know what’s best for myself.
PART EIGHT
UNSENT EMAIL FROM JASPER TO LANA
Dear Lana,
Like every great script, I seek only resolution.
we have shared a year of life’s journey.
my spirit is shattered.
My last hope resides in the prospect of your reply.
This is your last chance, lana.
yours,
Jasper
CRUMPLED SCRIPT PAGES FOUND IN A WEST HOLLYWOOD TRASH CAN IN FRONT OF JASPER’S APARTMENT
INT. LANA DEL REY’S BEDROOM – DAY
Lana Del Rey stands before her closet, her eyes fixed on the garments hanging before her.
LANA DEL REY
Tonight is the night. The night that changes everything.
Her fingers graze over the luxurious fabrics, resting on a black veil.
LANA DEL REY
Tonight, I will meet Kid Rock at the Chateau Marmont. This encounter is worth betraying everything Jasper has given me.
Lana takes a deep breath, and sits in front of her vanity mirror.
She attaches the veil to her hair.
She is beautiful and cold.
The widow bride.
Killer of men.
With a final glance, Lana gets up and leaves her bedroom, ready to betray the only true love she has ever known.
FADE OUT.
LANA’S POEM WRITTEN IN A DESPAIRING STATE ON A TYPEWRITER AT THE CHATEAU MARMONT, WITH KITTENS
“Lord, what fools these mortals be!”
And the Oscar goes tO…The TrickEry King,
Masked imp, bon diable,
JASPER,
Whose dEceptive jester’s art,
Did smugly foOl my heart.
The National Enquirer will sing
Of how I stood accusEd of sin,
Widow bride in her veil,
An ass with love potion smeared on her eyelids,
AnnihiLated in the moonlight’s glare,
Condemned to her damsel’s bower.
Oh yEs, Jasper/Puck, you must be a gReat writer indeed,
A master of ALL the arts,
To fool Lana del Rey
Into giving “Kid Rock”
Her heaRt.
PART NINE
LANA’S LETTER TO KID ROCK
Dear Kid Rock,
We have never mEt, but I feel as though I know you.
Something unexpected and truly surreal has happened this midsummer, and I have to share it with you.
A person has been posing as you, writing me letters.
Letters that stirred my emotions.
Letters that I thought were from you.
But it was all a rUse, a scheme in Comic Sans, devised to punish me.
My ex fiancé Jasper wAs the author of my pain, deceiving me into believiNg that you, Kid Rock, wEre the author of those beautiful words. Words are a Trap, for hearts liKe mine.
I was lured by him IntO a dinneR date at thE ChatEau Marmont with a person who I was sure was you, under a mAsk.
But when he removed the mask, he reVealed Himself in all his truth, Chief Architect of My Deception.
I apOlogiZe for bUrdEniNg you with this. But I feel compelled to share the truth with someone who has unknowingly played a part in this intricate drama.
We exist on opposite sides of the universe, and yet we both seek the same thing.
To create raucousness in peoples’ hearts.
To tell the truth.
Now, I have nothing left. But perhaps that’s all I’ve ever wanted.
AnNihilaTion bY moonliGht.
Lana
THE REAL KID ROCK’S RESPONSE
Lana,
Well, damn, sweetheart, I gotta say, your letter hit me like a lightning bolt in the cojones. I can’t believe the shit you’ve been through with that conniving son of a b. Now, listen, darlin’, I can’t promise to have all the answers, but what I can offer you is a good dose of down-home wisdom and a shoulder to lean on. You’re going through some heavy shit, and sometimes it takes a little rock ‘n roll to heal the soul. You’re Lana fucking del Rey, and ain’t nobody gonna bring you down.
You want me to break his kneecaps? I will. Takes a real scumbag to play with people’s emotions like that.
But hey, let’s put that behind us and focus on the road ahead. It’s time to reevaluate what you truly want. Love ain’t about deception and mind games, it’s about trust and honesty. If he can’t give you that, fuck him.
So here’s what I propose: why don’t you come down to Texas? We’ll kick back, have some cold beers, and let the music wash away the pain.
You’re always welcome in my neck of the woods, Lana. Take your time, figure things out, and when you’re ready, just give me a holler. We’ll step inside my studio, let the guitars scream, and remind ourselves why we fell in love with music in the first place.
Stay strong, keep that poetic fire burning, and remember, you’re never alone in this crazy ride.
Yours in rock ‘n roll,
Kid Rock