“Melrose Avenue sure has changed for the better over the years. I remember when it was full of junkies and whores.”
“You’re so out of touch, Leo. Still living in the past.”
“What’s got you pissed off? Didn’t enjoy the prix fixe $500 dinner prepared by the hottest celebrity chef on earth?”
“You wouldn’t understand!”
“How the hell do I open the garage door inside this electric robot with four wheels?”
“Press the middle button above you, like you use your middle finger. You’re good at that.”
“The garage door isn’t closing smoothly. You’d think you would have time in the day to call the repairman?”
“If it bothers you so much, why don’t you make a note to yourself on that outdated ‘Blackberry’ you refuse to trade-in. I’m certain you have time at the ‘nineteenth hole’ or does the pitcher of martini’s cloud your memory?”
“You have us living inside a computer! You need a tablet to flush the toilet around here!”
“Yeah, but I forgot to include an ‘APP’ to make you disappear!”
“Alexa, play ‘You Wear it Well’ by Rod Stewart.”
“Remember them basement parties, your brother’s karate
The all-day rock and roll shows
Them homesick blues and radical views
Haven’t left a mark on you, you wear it well
A little out of time but I don’t mind”
“Spit it out! Tough day of working out with your trainer, spa treatment, shopping spree, topped off by lunch and cocktails with your girlfriends?”
“It’s this damn catering business. I can’t get it together!
“What’s to ‘get together? Open your damn ‘golden Rolodex’, call every celebrity chef we’ve dined with, every Rabbi, Priest, business associate, friend, and pitch them! You have it all handed to you on a silver platter!”
“Not everyone was an undergraduate ‘shark’ getting his big break promoting college concerts, Leo!”
“I earned my ‘big break’ by turning college concert promoting into a business, establishing relationships with up-and-coming artists, which became management and record producing contracts supporting this lavish lifestyle you enjoy, baby!”
“Too bad those brilliant young artists weren’t hip to your legalese camouflaged within their management contracts providing you royalties in perpetuity!”
“It was my ‘legalese’ which protected my clients from the predators who would have taken all of their royalties, the record companies! Each of my clients earned a fortune, and I made certain they kept their money!”
“If you’re so revered as a trusted advisor, try getting your legendary artists on the phone, big shot! You were so determined to sign the brilliant young lady from Texas, bellowing soulful lyrics from her heart. Hah! She told me she’d never sign with you because she didn’t ‘trust you’, and to ‘run for your life, girl’ because you were ‘no damn good’!”
“She couldn’t handle stardom at such a tender age, choosing to self-medicate and overdosing. I lost many similar clients. Despite my failures, I put together one of the largest stables of artists in the music business, making the ‘Billboard Magazine’ cover!”
“Yeah, you won’t let yourself forget with that framed magazine cover hanging above our bed! Wake up, Leo, the ‘legend’s’ star is fading with the sale of every artist’s catalogue. Evidently, you weren’t smart enough to include royalty protections for yourself upon sale of the catalogues. With every catalogue sale, you’re no longer able to feed off the back of your client!”
“The legal term is ‘Survival Clause’. Nobody could have foreseen the sale of the music catalogues back in the day. I fought for my rights in court, but the law wasn’t on my side.”
“The law ‘wasn’t on your side’ because the law recognized you as nothing more than a pimp dressed in a shark skin suit!”
“I assembled the best legal team available and gave it my best shot.”
“Your ‘best shot’ wasn’t good enough. Even Mitch told me.”
“What’s that shyster got to do with it?”
“I consulted him about a divorce. He told me he’d have you out of the house in twenty-four hours, get me 50% of our net worth, keep the house, and be paid spousal support for the remainder of my life.”
“That celebrity divorce lawyer bills at $1,000 per hour. Good luck paying him when I cancel your accounts.”
“When I sat across from him wearing my sheer dress and no panties, the pig actually crawled over and stared at me, professing his long-felt attraction to me. I’d get him to represent me pro bono if I wanted.”
“I hear the phone ringing. Who is it?”
“The caller I.D. say’s it’s our neighbors, the Shapiro’s. They’re likely calling about the shouting.”
“Complaining about noise, are they? I’ve been tortured the past year listening to construction ruckus as they build their dream mansion. Hand me that phone, I’ll tell them off!”
“Don’t you dare! They’re both respected neurosurgeons and look down upon us as ‘Hollywood money’ with no class, education or scruples.”
“That’s a laugh. I hear her playing one my seventies female artist’s music continually. Little does she know they’d be no artist but for me!”
“The ‘seventies’ was more than forty years ago. Don’t you think you’re overdue for a facelift and tummy tuck? I have excellent plastic surgeon references. After all, you paid for them!”
“Too bad there wasn’t a medical specialist to repair your reproductive system rotted by booze and drugs!”
“You’re a cruel bastard! I didn’t see you taking me to rehab when you passed me a joint, pills, or a bottle of booze!”
“I gave up on raising a family when you expelled your dead fetus in the toilet at the Beverly Hills Hotel. I believe you told me Nancy Regan was powdering her face just outside your stall after delivering a ‘Just Say No’ speech.
“I wouldn’t expect you to understand the emotional pain I suffered that evening, and every day thereafter, until I realized having your baby would make my life with you more hellish than it was!”
“What’s that chime I hear? You have me living in a Buddhist monastery with WI-FI!”
“Look at the video screen, dope! It’s Trudy dropping by.”
“Send her away. She just wants to gloat about the comedy streaming deal she just signed.”
“We need some ‘comic relief’ right now. Come on in Trudy.”
“Hey kids, got some good news to share! Heidi, you have tears in your eyes. Have you two been fighting again?”
“Butt out Trudy! It’s a bad time to visit so why don’t you leave?”
“I lever liked you, Leo. You’re a schmuck and I’ve begged Heidi to leave you!”
“I’ve never considered you anything but a talentless standup comic bombing on ‘open mic’ night.”
“If you haven’t heard, Leo, I just signed a steaming deal featuring my comedy!”
“I golf with the president of the studio who signed your streaming deal. He tells me it’s likely going to be canceled after one year!”
“Screw you, Leo! I came over to celebrate with friends, not swim inside their emotional cesspool. You deserve each other! I hope you both drown! Goodbye!”
“Don’t forgot Leo got you your first agent, darling! Don’t let the ‘door hit you in the ass on your way out’!”
“Screw you, Heidi. By the way, you might have your boob job reassessed!”
“With friends like Trudy, who needs enemies, Leo?”
“All this aggravation is like boxing nine rounds with Mike Tyson! I’m going skinny dipping in the pool to cool off.”
“Can I join you?”
“Yeah, bring a bottle of wine with you.”
“I found a nice bottle of Pinot.”
“We have more wine in our poolside bar than most restaurants, baby.”
“I have an extra treat, Leo. I bought the last baggie of platinum pot from ‘Dennie’s Dispensary’. He calls it, ‘Symbiosis’.”
“Alexa, play ‘Harvest Moon’ by Neil Young. Here’s to you, Heidi.”
“Because I’m still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because I’m still in love with you
On this harvest moon”