Look, it’s not that I’m not grateful to be here, I am, I get it, I am. It’s just that I don’t think I’m a good fit. Oh, yeah, ha ha, I see how that’s funny, I’m small, I just didn’t peg you for a literal humor kinda gal… but I’m serious, I don’t think I belong here.

Yes, I understand the circumstances, but that’s also kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. So, the little girl. It’s just that I didn’t even know she was coming home, you know? I lost track of time in the peanut butter cup and I was totally planning to hide before she came back. I usually hear her coming down the hallway but I guess I was just chewing extra loud or something? That cup had been sitting there since Halloween so it was pretty crunchy…

Oh Christ, her parents recommended me? They’re here? Jesus. That’s gruesome. I guess they were still in the house then? Wow. Alright. I mean, all I remember is her screaming, running outside, and then a big noise and then nothing. I’m assuming gas leak? Does she at least have someone to stay with now or? Well, that’s good. Geez, first a roach infestation now this? Definitely let them know I’m thinking about them. Sorry, where was I?

Right, so I really do feel bad about that family and I’m glad the girl got out okay but it was all an accident! I didn’t save her on purpose! I appreciate you bringing me all the way up here, and it’s super nice of her folks to think of me, but I really shouldn’t be here.

No, it’s not that, it’s really a nice place for everyone else, it’s just that I’m, I don’t know, different? How do I put this… okay, so for example, you know how everything here is really clean? Yeah, that’s fantastic for people who spent their whole lives cleaning up after other people, and for people with allergies, and for sea turtles who died because they were strangled by soda can plastic and stuff, but garbage is kind of my thing, you know? A giant pile of trash is literally heaven to me. No offense or anything! Is any of this making sense?

Well, I’ve been thinking about that. I know a lot of my brothers and sisters go to that other place, and that sounds pretty awful too. Plus even if it was an accident I did save that girl and all so I don’t think I deserve eternal fire or sulfur or whatever. I just wanna go back to that peanut butter cup. Yeah, rubble and all. Oh, and uh, seriously, thanks for the offer. I know it’s a huge honor to make it here, but you know what they say: one man’s trash is another roach’s Eden! Ha! Get it? No? Right. Send me back.