You’ve got to help me – I think I’m in love.

Sorry, sir, did you say love?


Sir, this is 911, what’s your emergency?

Love. It zaps you.

Like electricity.

This number’s for emergencies only, sir.

But this is an emergency, it won’t stop following me around.

Sir, are you saying you’re being stalked?

That’s why I called.

Are they there now?

It never leaves.

Are you being threatened?

In a way.

Where are they?

Well, inside me.

Inside you, sir?


…are we still talking about love?

Yes! I need your help.

Your name please.


Jacob, this is a serious misuse of 911.

But this is an emergency.

No. It’s not.

I’ve never felt more outside myself, more inside out.


All turvy-topsy, all downside-up–

Try and stay calm–

Calm! I’m all scrambled egg!

OK, Jacob, take some deep breaths. In for five, then out slowly. Can you do that for me? I’ll count.



It’s like a jive–


­Within a samba–


Inside a salsa–


­On tippy toes–


Into the splits.

Jacob. I feel you’re not taking this seriously.

I feel you’re not.

Jacob, I’m ending this call.

But… it’s like a thousand Labradors paddling in a pond.


It’s a basketful of cats, rasp-rasp-rasping you with raspy tongues.

Jacob, I get the idea–

It’s like–

Jacob, I got it–


Jacob, please

It’s like all of the colours but none of the lines.

It’s eyes-hands-lips but all you see-hear-taste is stars.

Do you know what I mean? Have you felt it too?


Hello? Are you still there?

Yes. Sorry, Jacob. I’m still here. And that’s exactly what it feels like.

Good. So what do I do?

Well, most wouldn’t consider love to be an emergency, but something rather special.

I’m… I’m scared.

It’s a perfectly normal, natural emotion, Jacob.

Nothing about this feels normal or natural.

Some would say it’s the most normal and natural emotion.

You’re doing fine, Jacob. Trust me.

Wait – you never answered my question. Have you?

Have I…?

Felt it too?

Jacob, we’re here to talk about you, not me.

But how did you deal with it?

Jacob, I’m not–

You have, haven’t you–

I can’t–

I know you have; I can tell–


Come on, tell me–

Jacob! I don’t want to talk about it.


Oh. I see.

I’m sorry, that was unprofessional of me.

It’s OK, I’ll figure it out. I’ll leave you in peace.

No, Jacob, just hold on a minute–

Honestly, don’t worry.

Let me make sure you’re alright–

I’ll be fine.

Jacob, I need you to stay on the line–

I’m fine.

No. Wait, Jacob. Please.

Stay on the line.

Are you sure?

I’m sure.



Now – tell me what it feels like again.