ARIES  (March  21st–  April  20th)

I am afraid no one will get your Halloween costume of choice this year, Aries. While your obscure knowledge of cult horror movies is impressive, it is also quite useless- unless of course you use it as a means of obtaining self-validation, in which case you do not really want anyone to understand your references and this is all a ploy in order to further reassure yourself of your own cultural superiority. If that is the case, however, more than one person shall get your costume- your worst nightmare!

Scope of Horror: A Self-Referential Existence Devoid of Meaningful Interaction (5)


TAURUS  (April  21st  –  May  20th)

After impulsively purchasing a not-so-funny-in-hindsight poo emoji costume, you will panic once people start calling it infantile. The important thing to do when that happens is take a deep breath; and point out flaws in other people’s costumes. Being infantile, after all, is better than being pretentious or obvious. Prepare a monologue about how you are actually dressed up as the Freudian concept of an Anal Phase (you might want to increment the excrement with Sigmund Freud glasses)/ Someone’s Momma/ US President Donald J. Trump/ Whatever else would most likely get a laugh. Alternatively, you could find someone who doesn’t have a costume and give them a speaker or voice recorder in order to make your costume linguistically more ingenious.

Scope of Horror: You’ll Live (2)


GEMINI  (May  22nd  –  June  23rd  )

As Pluto catches up with you, Gemini, you’ll be lucky to escape unscathed. This misfortune you must blame on one astronomer, who rejected the rulings of the planets and declared, just like that: to hell with Pluto for it be a planet no longer!, said Mike E. Brown of Caltech University, casting a great curse on all Gemini born and bound like himself. Pluto, he forgets, is the king of the underworld, and ev’ry Hallows Eve it takes on its frightening Hades shaped soul and all its pre-devils who find mirth in thine disgrace, oh sir.

‘Tis time this downgrading of Pluto from planet to too small a planet be avenged by the forces of fate! The disenchantment it has caused to generations of peoples in all universe! And all due to a condescending, careless power play.

Pluto has read Mike E. Brown’s book “How I killed Pluto and Why it had it coming”; and has found it in very poor taste indeed. Pluto is very much alive, and ready to prove it.

This Halloween, Geminis, stay inside- trust no one. The unearned, at times unjustified wrath and defensiveness of billions over a planetary demotion from over a decade ago has given this revenge plot the strength it needed. You are Pluto. We are Pluto.

Scope of Horror: You might pay the ultimate price for a mistake someone who shares your star sign has done (10)


CANCER  (June  22nd  –  July  23rd  )

A relatively mellow week lies ahead of you Cancer, as Pluto and Neptune are quite embarrassed over last week’s inconveniences. They had miscalculated the Earth’s circumference and erroneously posited that Mike E. Brown was a Cancer. Because of this diplomatic mishap, however, you will get to enjoy much free punch and avoid all things minorly disagreeable. Even as you run out of Halloween candy, more will mysteriously show up at your doorstep- I wouldn’t eat it, though. Just give it away to the children.

Scope of Horror: A total treat (0).


LEO  (July  24th  –  August  23rd  )

Though we all wear masks all the time, this is truer of you. Isn’t the most powerful costume you can wear, in a sense, your true self? That might be the scariest thing you can be for Halloween: sincere.

Scope of Horror: Looming Identity Crisis – postpone for later? (4)


VIRGO  (August  24th  –  September  23rd  )

Don’t be alarmed if you fall down a black hole into a new, seemingly better reality, Virgo. Don’t get too comfortable, either, as the universe will soon realise the mistake its made and promptly correct it. You will grieve the alternate timeline but eventually learn to live with it as you minimise the whole event and pretend to yourself it was all a dream as a way to convince yourself you haven’t completely lost your mind. Incidentally, you will get Déjà Vu from that alternate world every single day for the rest of your life.

Scope of Horror: Short but Destabilising Period of Cosmic Disturbance (7)


LIBRA  (September  24th  –  October  23rd  )

A great discovery awaits you, Libra- this Halloween, you will find out exactly what happened to the dinosaurs, and why. There is, nonetheless, a catch: you can never tell anyone, as they will never believe you. In order not to become an idiosyncratic pariah in academia, you must keep this utmost secret to yourself, even if you know, in your heart, it could save the human race from the same destiny met by those ancient birds of prey.

In other news, avoid the colour blue in all areas of life, including the sky.

Scope of Horror: Unwarranted and Eternal Cassandra Curse (9)


SCORPIO  (October  24th  –  November  22nd)

Halloween is a Scorpio, as you know, which means universal permission to get into whatever shenanigans you may be up for! Tricks are your treat, and in the reign of chaos Scorpios are its not-so-secret agents, allowed to egg their enemies’ doors, listening to hard rock and running away in stilettos.  At least till midnight.

You shall succeed at whatever task you put yourself up to without even trying, which in turn will make others afraid of you and whatever you are capable of. Ride that stride, Scorpio! Unless of course you have something in the house of Gemini, in which case stay home given the increased likelihood of a heightened bladder.

Scope of Horror: You are that who is feared, and happy birthday (1)


SAGITTARIUS  (November  23rd  –  December  21st)

This Halloween, Sagittarius, you will come to the realisation that all ghosts date from Victorian times and back. As a result, you will be desperately searching for slightly younger ghouls and poltergeists, perhaps from the twenties or nineties or last year. After not finding any specimens, you will be forced to face the fact of a worldwide ghost extinction event.

Has science killed the ghost by exposing its mysticism? Or have people simply grown tired of living, and been opting for death after death instead of ghostification? You must get to the bottom of this, and impede the ghostly species of dying out for good.

Scope of Horror: Uncovering the Ghastly Unpleasant Extinction of Ghosts (3)


CAPRICORN  (December  22nd  –  January  20th)

As Saturn approaches the Earth’s orbit (in spirit), your most saturnine dispositions will flourish and keep you from celebrating properly. Stay away from the internet, as you will probably tweet something factually incorrect which will make you sound super dumb, prompting a public shaming. Also, your hamster will fall off its wheel and die pretty soon, so maybe get a replacement hamster.

Scope of Horror: Metaphorical Lynching on the Horizon + RIP Hamish (8)


AQUARIUS  (January  21st  –  February  19th)

The riot you lead last week is now old news, and no one cares about the cause anymore. It is quite possible that all those people were only doing it because you threatened and insulted them. Some of them might dress up as you for Halloween. Do not take it personally, since that is why they want you to do.

There is, however, a silver-lining: precisely because it is Halloween, you’ll be able to get anyway with some of the threats simply by dressing up as some ludicrous villain. If the action backfires and you are reported to HR, you can just tell them you were doing a character bit.

Scope of Horror: Realising your co-workers think you are a callous monster and probably have a group chat without you (6)


PIESCES  (February  20th  –  March  20th  )

Due to the Bad Moon Rising, it’s quite likely you will be mugged by a bandit in a Mustang. Whether it is you, the bandit, or both in the Mustang remains ambiguous. Either way, I would advise you to stay away from Mustangs and turn left if given the choice, just as an extra precaution.

Moreover, do not under any circumstance play the song Bad Moon Rising by Creedence Clearwater Revival- it’d be foolish to tempt fate. If you enter a store or a friend’s house or an Uber and the song is being played, tell them to shut it down immediately.

Scope of Horror: Caution is Advised Near Mustangs (5)