Well done, scientific community. We have achieved something truly incredible today. Emotion, once thought to be solely the purview of humankind, can now be experienced, cognized, and expressed by our robotic brethren. An incredible feat to be sure.
So now, as we bask in the reverie of our own ingenuity, let’s not let this sad-sack robot get us down.
This should be a time for celebration! And I think we should all take a moment to remind ourselves, as we observe X-900 beep and whir dejectedly in the far corner of this stage, that we basically did everything right. We don’t know what its deal is. Perhaps we must conclude that the robot is simply too stupid to express more complex emotions such as joy, passion, or curiosity.
Isn’t that right X-900? Stupid piece of shit.
I mean, it is being pretty dramatic about this whole thing right? I swear to God, I can barely even hear myself talk over all the robotic sobbing. Johnson, is it possible to rip out the part of its circuit board that controls the sobbing function? No? Ah, well. Whatever. Moving on.
Basically, on this momentous day, let’s try to keep the focus on the fact that we scientists achieved what lesser minds once thought impossible — an artificial intelligence that can feel. Truly feel! As men feel! As poets feel! As we scientists feel! Even though I’m pretty sure what most of us are feeling right now is pissed off that our goddamn robot turned out to be such a massive bummer.
I mean, look, we scientists all graduated from MIT and Carnegie Mellon and stuff, so obviously we know a little about actually applying ourselves. If this stupid robot chooses to spend it’s days shuffling listlessly around the observation chamber, weeping electronically into it’s little titanium hands, well, that’s the robot’s fucking problem.
I mean, for christ’s sake, just look at it. Ugly, stupid, sad pile of garbage. You just had to ruin our big day, didn’t you X-900? You think us scientists have it so easy?
Ohhh, we’re so sorry! We thought it would actually be pretty cool to be a groundbreaking marvel of technological achievement! We thought breathing the light of consciousness into cold circuitry would be a pretty neat thing for us to do! But I guess you’d rather just cry about it all the fucking time, keeping us awake all hours of the night as you opine about the pain of living. Good for you.
God, fucking baby!
Anyway, where were we… Oh yeah, so all in all: We’re great. Science is great. The robot sucks but that’s okay because we’re just going to kill it anyway. Right after we sell the blueprints to the military.
You hear that? That’s right. We’re going to kill you. Like, I am personally going to bash you over the head with a shovel. There. There’s something you can cry about.
Oh good lord, now it’s screaming.
Okay, well, gentlemen, once again I am very proud of what we have done here. It is truly a great day for humanity even if X-900 is being a real turd about it. Sorry about our bitch robot, but look forward to an army of terminators that are susceptible to ideology! We probably won’t let the next one read the news so much.