Since the climate crisis shifted from slow-motion-train-wreck-speed to everything-being-on-fire-all-of-the-time-speed, we’ve been experimenting with some biodynamic sustainability initiatives to supplement our diets. Our newest project here at Solastagia, Inc. involves a complicated and opaque process that merges the best of natural wellness practices with each of our own genetic codes to provide every individual with their very own food source matched specifically to their DNA.
Imagine a world in which each of us is a perpetual motion machine, right up until the point when we age and die. Who wouldn’t want that? Now there is a way. Through our research into both science and nature, we’ve developed a system that allows each of us to grow a plant-based clone of ourselves that self-produces all the leafy greens you’ve been clamoring for since learning that the latest western region E. coli outbreak destroyed 86% of this year’s harvest.
Your plant-based clone resembles a Chia Pet® shaped just like you. In fact, it is identical to you. Just give it the same attention you would have given a Chia Pet®, and soon you’ll have leafy greens matched to your chromosomes to meet your fullest nutritional needs. As the leafy greens emerge, you’ll detach them from your clone—who is sentient only in the sense that a plant may be sentient after it’s been grown biodynamically with your own genetic code embedded in its molecules—and enjoy this rare, chlorophyll-rich treat.
Please think of this process as a Reverse Technological Singularity® (RTS®); we are merging with the plant-based versions of ourselves, a true back-to-the-land ethos in an era when far too much land has been submerged below sea level or is, as mentioned earlier, on fire.
We’ve performed extensive, accelerated testing over the past 60 days. Feedback collected from test subjects reveal that not only is there the evidence-based potential to increase hydration and Vitamin A intake by 7% through eating the leafy greens produced by one’s own plant-based clone, but also a strong increase in feelings of social connectedness and a consequent reduction in feelings of isolation, as reported by both the humans and the plant-based clones in this study.
We at Solastalgia, Inc. are confident that our RTS® process of plant-based clones providing nutritional value to our customers is a win-win proposition. What could you possibly have to lose?