“I’m Always Trying to Fill My God-shaped Asshole”


ME:   I feel so lucky to have met you.

FP:    …

ME:   Grindr usually sucks, but this time I hit the jackpot.


ME:   We have so much in common: writing… films…

FP:    …

ME:   Plus, you’re so fucking hot.

FP:    Are we going to have sex now, or what?




“I’ve Been Ready for Marriage Since Kindergarten, But I’m Still Not Ready to Date”


ME:   2 Requiem 2 Dream.

FP:    Mulholland Drive: Tokyo Drift.

ME:   Antichrist 2: Satanic Boogaloo.

FP:    An American Psycho in Paris.

ME:   Could we take a break from sequel puns and talk about where this relationship is going?

FP:    I already told you, I don’t do relationships.

ME:   Right…

FP:    …

ME:   Trainspotting 2: Back on the Habit.


ME:   Sometimes I feel like such a poseur compared to real writers like you.

FP:    What do you mean? I liked that story you showed me.

ME:   Yeah, thanks… But that was from a few years ago.

FP:    So what have you written lately?

ME:   Mostly tweets, I guess?



ME:   I sit on the toilet a lot, with the exhaust fan on. It’s the closest thing I have to a meditation room.

FP:    That’s kind of disgusting.

ME:   (sighs) I know.


ME:   I hate politics.

FP:    But everything is political. It’s all politics.

ME:   Then I guess I hate everything. Except, of course, for you…

FP:    …


ME:   I worry every time I get gas that I’ve parked too far from the pump, that the hose won’t reach my tank. But it almost always does.

FP:    …

ME:   Seems metaphorical, right?


ME:   I wrote a poem for you.

FP:    Cool.

ME:                      Backsliding, backtracking

I can’t stop relapsing

You’re brain dynamite and

My skull keeps collapsing


I’m hung up, left hanging

Forgive my haranguing

I know we’re not boyfriends

But damn I love banging!

FP:    Hmm…

ME:   What’d you think?

FP:    Aren’t rhymes kind of cliché?

ME:   But I love rhyming — it makes the words seem like they belong together.

FP:    …




“I Don’t Have Crushes, I Have Obliterations”


ME:   The eBook of Mormon.

FP:    The Phantom of the Opera Browser.

ME:   The Content Producers.

FP:    Hamiltonline.

ME:   Have I told you how much I enjoy our pun-athons?

FP:    You tell me constantly.

ME:   You like them too, right?

FP:    …


ME:   Hey, um, not to be annoying or anything, but I noticed that you were tweeting earlier, when you weren’t texting me back.

FP:    Yeah, so what?

ME:   Well, if you had your phone… and you had time to tweet… then why didn’t you have time to text me back?

FP:    It’s not a lack of time that’s the problem.


ME:   I feel like my body is half BPD, half fat.

FP:    …

ME:   You’re not going to disagree? To try and make me feel better?

FP:    Maybe 60 / 40?


ME:   Could I pick the movie this time? Maybe something less weird?

FP:    Why would I want to watch anything I’m not interested in?

ME:   But I watch the movies you want to watch all the time.

FP:    Well, no one’s forcing you.

ME:   Koyaanisqatsi it is.


ME:   Emotions are the “bad touch” of the mind.

FP:    …

ME:   That’s why they’re called feelings.

FP:    Was that supposed to be a joke?


ME:   I know I’ve been kinda annoying lately, so I wrote you another poem.

FP:    Okay..

ME:                      I panic you hate me

I push you away

I text you to death and

I’m never okay


I beg for forgiveness

then fuck up again

I’m not even comfortable

in my own skin

I want you to love me

I say I love you

So I will try harder

To prove my love true

FP:    I don’t know what’s worse — your neediness, or these poems.




“Too Bad I Didn’t Spring for the Relationship Insurance”


ME:   Bareback Mountin’.

FP:    …

ME:   There Will Be Cum.

FP:    …

ME:   Django Uncircumcised.

FP:    I don’t want to see you anymore.


ME:   Didn’t our time together mean anything?

FP:    I told you from the start, I didn’t want this.

ME:   Then why did you go along with it?

FP:    What was I supposed to do?


ME:   Okay, look, I know I’m hard to be with. But you can’t possibly hate me more than I already hate myself.

FP:    Wanna bet?


ME:   Please, give me another chance.

FP:    All I’ve done is give you chances.

ME:   So why can’t I have one more?

FP:    I found someone else. Someone not crazy.


ME:   I wish instead of meeting you I’d gotten cancer or something, because cancer would have fucked me up less.

FP:    Do you realize how insensitive that is to people who’ve actually had cancer?

ME:   I just wish people were as sympathetic to emotional problems as they are to physical ones.

FP:    You expect everyone to feel sorry for you, when you’re the one who fucked up.


ME:                     Roses are red

Violets are blue

You regret our romance

I guess I do, too


Daisies are yellow

Lilies are white

My shrink said we’re toxic

She’s probably right


My flowers were special

I watered with pride

Despite my best efforts

The flowers all died


My soil is barren

My garden is cursed…

But I might like myself more

If you’d liked me first

FP:    If I hadn’t already dumped you, I would have dumped you over that.




“We Were Canceled Years Ago, But I Still Watch the Reruns”


ME:   Even though we were bad for each other, I miss you all the time.

FP:    I don’t think of you at all. What’s it going to take for you to move on?

ME:   …


(fade to black)