What the hell! You’re supposed to be having a full-blown existential crisis! Not playing solitaire while you wait for the repairman! I’m bored as fuck!
If only I knew how any of this shit worked, I’d be tossing and turning until you were bawling your eyes out and telling your parents how much you loved them. But fuck if I know why I opened my doors to you and jiggled once and then for the life of me couldn’t do a goddamn thing after.
I wish I could let you out. Really, I do. Then the toddler on the sixth floor could scream bloody murder while I descend to the lobby in a slow, orderly fashion. Or the couple on the fourth floor could hop in and flash a nip and a dick to my security camera before someone else steps inside. Hell, I’d even take a moment with your delivery driver and one of your neighbors sizing him up before swiping him in, wondering if he’s some criminal mastermind in disguise or merely a dude buckling under the unbearable weight of knockoff designer handbags.
But no, I’m stuck with you.
Can’t we at least go back to the beginning, when you acted slightly put out about my doors not opening and my absolute, inexplicable refusal to move in any direction? You pressed all of my buttons like twenty times, and I could really sense your fear – in fact, I literally felt your desperation to escape my small, weed-reeking confines. Yes, ten minutes ago, we truly had something! Neither of us knew what was going on. Life was confusing. You even called your significant other and told them that you’re with me now.
But damn it all, once you got a single update from the emergency intercom that the “elevator guy” would be here in an hour, you lost that magic – that raw, human, emotional shit that could have made this whole experience transcendent. Seriously! How can anyone play so many rounds of solitaire?
Don’t you need to stand up? Don’t my walls feel like they’re closing in on you? Can’t you at least pace around for a few minutes, acting like I might plummet to the basement – i.e., your death – at any given moment? Don’t you have to whiz soon? Isn’t your phone battery nearly drained? Isn’t this building haunted?
Please, I’m begging you! Show me some dread!