“Hi, Glenda! I’m David. It’s so lovely to meet in person. It’s weird to only communicate over texting, right? I don’t feel like I know someone until I meet them face-to-face. But, enough about me, tell me about yourself. Like, what makes you happy? Or what makes you sad? Or what are your life goals? Or what are your biggest fears? Are your parents still together? If they’re not, did you feel like you were the reason they split up? Did your mom actually tell you it was your physical presence that inevitably broke their bond? A bond that had survived your father’s promiscuity? Did your father use the phrase “scores of women” when referencing his infidelity? And then did your mother say, “I could handle Rick screwing all those women; it was the 70s, and don’t worry, I had my fun too, but you… you, David. You’ve ruined me. You’ve ruined us,” through her tears before running out of the room? Did they tell all of this to you when you were 37? Because you’re still living at home without a job — which is a CHOICE – because who wants to propagate capitalist ideals when you can just use your parents’ credit card to buy everything off Amazon, you know? And even though the divorce was 100% your fault, were you glad your parents were splitting because now you would have more room in the house? Were you excited at the idea of having just ONE ROOM in the house where you could get some peace and quiet away from your father and mother’s incessant sobbing? Then did you get super bummed out when the police came with an eviction notice? A frickin’ eviction notice?! Did you say, “You can’t evict me” to the cop? But then, did he grab you by the neck and throw you out of the house? Because was that cop your dad’s friend Gerald who always wanted an excuse to beat the piss out of you? Did you then spend three months in the county jail for assaulting a police officer, only to get out and come straight to this date?”


“No. No, David, none of that. But enough about me, tell me about yourself. Are you a serial killer who goes by the alias “Glenda” when using dating apps to find her next victim?”