The Pros of Smashing My Phone Right Now


My mom wouldn’t be able to call

asking for money and I wouldn’t

have to deal with the emotional strains

brought on by you ignoring the texts

I’d no longer be able to send you.



Recently Added In: Your Pet Wants You Dead


My cat seems to think

because I don’t own a table

or live as a real, functioning person

that the food I eat off my bedroom floor

is automatically hers too.






Fedora the Explorer


Seems like a lot of people my age

force themselves to hang

with old friends

out of guilt

or desperation

or obligation.

But me,

I prefer to just let friendships die


No pressure.



Craigslist Missed Connection


You are pretty much

the human equivalent of

a Nintendo Power Glove, meaning

you look rad as fuck but

you lack control because of bad wiring

and are all screwed up inside.




Paperboy Calls It Quits!


That feel when you’re

trying to live your life but

the presence of death is

always there, just slightly

chillin’ off to the side, ready

to knock you off your

stupid fucking bike.