Kate and I want to be famous
in Canada. So far our competition
for the front cover of the Molson box
includes Seth Rogen, universal healthcare,
Chris Jericho, Avril Lavigne,
Avril Lavigne’s ex-husband Deryck
from Sum 41, Avril Lavigne’s
ex-husband Chad from Nickelback,
The Red Green Show cast,
a particularly lean cut of ham,
the Wheelchair Assassins from Infinite Jest,
and the entire sport of hockey.
Curling players are out
since the US just won Gold.
Thankfully (for us but not for cinema)
Ellen Page and Michael Cera peaked early with Juno.
Rush needed a Jason Segel/Paul Rudd
air-drum sesh to get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
The maple leaf is always on the Molson cover so leave
multiple maple leaves to the Toronto team
that I’m pretty sure played hooky instead
on the day school taught the plural of leaf.
Now that I think about it, the competition
is as stiff as a Crown Royal on the rocks.
I mean, Matthew Perry and Justin Trudeau
appeared in the same yearbook over there,
even though they weren’t friends
(it was one of those sad but common bullying situations).
I have never seen Titanic
but I am sure my heart will go on
and my blues will go away
if we lose to Celine Dion or Dan Ackroyd
and are forced into our backup plan:
on a Saturday night, after the Molson has been procured,
we will send the box off
for a date with some lighter fluid
at a hip outdoor restaurant known as Club Burnpile
before cracking open the beers.
In front of the TV, we will sit, awaiting
Lorne Michaels and company to cheer us up.