Did you watch him humbly recite his acceptance speech in French?
Did you happen to notice after the show, he acted
so stoked & grateful to be chatting with the interviewer
without a hint of irony or disdain?
Aren’t Jim’s eyes brown? Why are they green?
Why didn’t his face move? Isn’t that his trademark?
Why does he look like Val Kilmer?
Granted the man is 64. Give him a break… Right?
Did he have a botched bleph like Bradley Cooper?
Maybe his aesthetician convinced him to add too much botox & filler?
But why are Jim’s teeth/ears/nose so drastically not his?
Wasn’t it Jim that said, There is no meaning to any of this?
Didn’t he not believe in icons, mocked Hollywood, despised ceremonies?
Do you recall his ridiculous rant on a red carpet circa 2017?
There’s no you. We’re not here. This is a dream.
Wait. You can’t possibly buy into the he-was-cloned-theory—
Remember when you scoffed at Britney & Avril & Ye being replaced,
when you laughed at Katy Perry’s lizard eye malfunction. Didn’t blink
when Kate Beckinsale became unrecognizable,
when you discover her Instagram’s scrubbed except for one song: Everybody’s Dead
Remember when Queen Elizabeth’s funeral broadcast
was interrupted by a voice that sounded like Diana’s
proclaiming: The Death is irreversible, the fact is she is trapped—
& this had to be a glitch because there is no such thing as a soul swap.
But now TikTok tells you Ozzy inhabits Yungblud’s body & Kelly Osbourne
(Did you see pics of her at the Brit awards?!) might have witnessed the switch.
& Selena is long gone & Justin knows the truth
& that’s why he sang in his underwear to a mirror at the Grammys
& somehow you know the Kardashians & the Hiltons are involved.
You scroll now to Demi Moore at the Gucci Show in Milan
Fresh wet bob, black aviator glasses, head-to-toe leather
looking like she jumped out of the Matrix, like it was 1999,
like you thought she was Victoria Beckham in 1999,
like she did take the Substance, like maybe sorcery & sacrifice really do exist.
Remember when The Truman Show was your favorite movie
& you didn’t tumble down any rabbit holes & you truly believed
the last thing they would ever do is lie to you—