it’s 7:37 pm and all i can think about is the feeling i have in the pit of my stomach.
everything felt different today. you barely snapped me. you seemed like you wanted to say something when i saw you, but i wouldn’t meet your eye.
oh god, i’m so afraid. i once told you i was afraid of you, but it’s not you i’m afraid of, it’s what could happen to you.
i’m so terrified that one day you’ll see me how i see myself.
that one day you’ll look at me and not want to hold me in your arms anymore.
that one day you won’t kiss my cheek and call me dearest.
i’m afraid that one day you’ll look at me and see what everyone else sees: a fat girl with a scowl on her face and curse forming on her lips.
there’s a part of me that makes me question everything. the part that screams “you’re going to break his heart. don’t do this. use your head. how can a relationship like yours work out?” why do i almost always believe this part? i don’t want to break your heart and it scares me how much i think about it. it’s that kind of power over a human being that scares me. that’s why i don’t like to get close to people because of the power they hold over you. i hate the idea of people having power over me.
it’s 10:01 pm and all i can think about is how we promised we’d stay friends no matter what.
you promised me that we’d stay friends. but what we have isn’t even friendship. you got into a fraternity today and I didn’t even know about it. if you were my friend, wouldn’t you have told me?
i don’t understand.
can you help me understand?
will you help me understand?
did i do this to us? did i break us?
i’m sorry if I’m why we can’t be friends. i really want to keep my promise.
i’m so sorry.
it’s 9:12 am and all i can think about is how weird everything feels. it feels like you’re avoiding me, but that could all be my imagination. why is everything so weird? i feel like after that first day, we can never go back to how things were, no matter how hard we try. i’m not saying we’re trying but if we did i don’t think we’d ever just be how we were. maybe our promise to stay friends was a lie to one another because we wanted to be more and that promise meant we could.
maybe we’re liars.
i could live with that if we were liars together.
it’s 4:39 pm and all i can think about is the strange feeling i get when you look at me. it’s like you know something that i don’t. i feel like you need to tell me something, but you haven’t yet. i just want things to be like how they were before i left. we were us then. why can’t we be us now?
i want to go back.
but i can’t.
it’s 6:54 pm and all i can think about is how afraid i am that you don’t like me anymore. i keep thinking about when you were over here earlier and we barely talked. you just looked at stuff on your phone. i really just wanted to hang out with you, but you didn’t seem interested. things are all confusing. when will things be less confusing?
i need clarity. i need to know what we are. i need to know that i’m the one you want. i need to know.
please let me know.
it’s 9:06 pm and all i can think about is the fact that we didn’t talk today. you said maybe 5 words to me at dinner, but other than that, nothing. why do i feel like you’re avoiding me? i want to talk about it, but i feel like you wouldn’t answer if i asked. why do things have to be complicated? why do we have to be complicated?
i just want to go back to last week.
please take me back.
it’s 6:09 pm and all i can think about it how i felt today in class. i sat down and realized you weren’t even on my mind the whole time. it was so freeing. i really just want to say i’m done with you, but I know i still have feelings toward you. you didn’t break my heart, but you’ve been a small part of it. maybe you could have had a bigger part, but you’ve gone ghost.
i think you’re afraid.
i think you’re afraid because i see who you are beneath all the jokes and bullshit.
i once told you that you wear your personality like armor and i still believe that. you try to show people the strangest sides of you before people get close to you so they’re never surprised by what they find. this way they won’t get close to you if they don’t like what they see. this protects that heart of yours, which i already know has been broken.
i wish we could talk about things. we haven’t had a real conversation in weeks. i just want to know what you’re thinking, where your head is.
please just give us a chance to talk. even if we aren’t together, we’re friends right? we promised and i never break a promise.
now it’s your turn to keep our promise.
it’s 5:48 pm and all i can think about is how you mean nothing to me. it’s funny how over the course of a few weeks, someone can lose all meaning to you. you messed so many things up. you fucked up. this is on you. normally i would take the blame, but you did this.
it was all you.
you broke us.
what you’ve done is unforgivable.
it’s 9:02 pm and all i can think about is how when i say goodbye to you, i mean forever. don’t mistake my goodbye for a see you later or a until we meet again. my goodbye is never-ending. my goodbye is forever.