instead of snapping out of the matrix


and dodging bullets at back-breaking slo-mo speed


neo continues on with life


as he knows it,


working a shitty


9-5 corporate job


for a lousy 40k a year.




because this is a movie


and because movies


need to be exciting


neo randomly gets a call from one of his college buddies


erik hess,


asking him if he wants to go 50-50 on this whacky new fast food place


called moes southwest grill.


without thinking twice


neo says hell yeah


and this version of the matrix suddenly becomes


a biopic about moes southwest grill’s innocuous rise to fame


and how they unthrone chipotle


as the mexican fast food champion of the world.


it’s not nearly as good as the original matrix


but we do get to see keanu in a burrito mascot costume


spinning signs in front of various moes locations


enticing patrons to 75% off chips and guac


and dammit


he looks suave as hell doing it.


oh there’s also a random scene where neo and crew blow up a taco bell because this is a summertime blockbuster with a budget through the roof.


so, pretty much a win-win,


i guess.