1. Keep a cardigan matted with your cat’s hair in your cubicle to wear to all meetings scheduled at 4:00 PM. Sit next to Bernadine. She uses a lint roller more than anyone you’ve ever known in your entire life, and the 4:00 PM time slot is always her suggestion. Revel in the moment when she stiffens and shifts in her chair.


  1. After your proposal to use less paper in your department gets rejected, hide the blue paper your supervisor requires for all their memos. When they say to put a Post-it note on their memos because there is no blue paper, hide the Post-it notes. When they require the words “ BLUE PAPER MEMO” to be written in large letters at the top of their memos because there are no Post-it notes, hide the pens.


  1. Bring your grandma’s spaghetti casserole that uses ketchup for the “sauce” to the office potluck. Insist that Dan gets a heaping pile of it on his plate after you get payroll added to your ever-growing list of duties and discover he makes more money than all the women in his department. Tell him, Greg says it’s your favorite! Dan hates ketchup. Greg hired Dan six months ago.


  1. Hide in the bathroom for an hour at a time. Take your phone so you can scroll through Tinder while you wait in the stall. Text your friend to see if they want to meet for drinks after work. Respond with a laughing GIF when they say they’re working late. When someone comes in, wait until they’re washing their hands and yell, I’m ready!


  1. Act surprised when your supervisor calls you into their office. Tell them the workload is too much when they question your productivity. Tell them that you can’t carry your entire department. Tell them that you’re doing your best, but they never did rehire anyone like they promised after Janice retired.


  1. Act even more shocked when they say they’ve also had complaints about some odd behavior. Honestly, you’re the only one left with a sense of humor at that place. Put on your best, dead-behind-the-eyes face that everyone wears around that office and admit to nothing.


  1. Tell them that you’ve actually been meaning to speak with them because you’ve had other offers. Good offers with more money. Offers that you’ve declined, but now you’re second-guessing your decision. Make sure to maintain eye contact. Be confident. Because there are no offers. You haven’t been looking because you don’t want another job with the same bullshit and a longer commute. You’re not sure what you want anymore, and you need this paycheck until things become clear. But don’t panic. It’s all been leading up to this moment. You’ve got this.


  1. Ask for raise. You overheard Susan, who’s married to Richard at corporate, gossiping with Bernadine when you were hiding in the bathroom. You stood on the toilet seat as she whispered that they’ve been bleeding employees recently and can’t find people to fill the vacancies. Given what you learned from those countless hours you’ve spent in the bathroom, there’s never been a better time to negotiate. Worst case scenario, they say no. But do not fear. Continue on to “A list of fun things to try at work when you’re quiet quitting: part two”. Start by updating the screensaver on your computer until you can complete the task at lightning speed. Then you’ll need a flash drive loaded with about 30 photos of Michael Bolton. Start paying attention when Brian leaves his desk without locking his computer. The resemblance between the two men is uncanny.