Step 1: Prepare to spend each quarantine-morning locked in mortal combat with all the winged vermin in the city. Every time you open the window, some miserable flies will start hovering by it. Sooner or later one will get past the curtain and start buzzing about your face.


Step 2: Trip over everything trying to kill the wretched thing, potentially hurting yourself and breaking the furniture.


Step 3: Pray, curse and scream as you chase it for an eternity. Basically, turn into a hysterical blubbering vegetable.


Step 4: Kill it, at long last. Feel wild triumph and joy plus drown in guilt at being so happy about murdering a fellow creature.


Step 5: Fall into a cry-laughing despair and be racked by the ludicrous pettiness and the futility of it all.


Step 6: Have lurid nightmares and wake up with screams trapped in your throat.


Step 7: Try to tell someone, anyone – but fail. Because you know they will laugh at you, if not to your face then later. And why should they not? It is all in your own head and you can’t help laughing. And even your own laughter hurts. So –


Step 8: Tell everyone, milking each story for maximum comic effect. Laugh first, laugh loudest, laugh longest. Laugh so much that everyone else sobers up.