“Relaxing and Luxurious Lakeside Cottage”
Entire Property, hosted by Agrippina
Welcome to Palatial Ease Cottage on Amanita Lake! This stylish property is specifically tailored to be a place of endless tranquillity and rest. We strive to ensure that you enjoy every moment of your time here. Sit back, relax, and leave the rest to us!
House Rules and Instructions:
All necessary cutlery is provided, including two forks, two knives, two plates, and one bowl and spoon for the romantic sharing of desserts. Our one available glass is large enough to accommodate a number of straws.
With water and electricity prices rising, we are seeing a reduction in profits on our range of secondary homes. Therefore please refrain from using the dishwasher and washing machine, as well as the lights and heating when possible. When showering, please limit yourself to the cleaning of vital areas. Observe a five minute time limit – we have the ability to shut off hot water to the house, and may do so in the event that a shower exceeds this duration.
Please keep feet, shoed or otherwise, off the sofa. Hands should be placed in laps unless freshly washed. Particularly sweaty individuals should sit on the floor, but will find the corkboard mats provided more than comfortable.
This is a scent free environment, so please go outside to relieve yourself of wind. Do not consume any food while staying here that might cause intestinal distress. Please think of the bidets as decorative furnishing rather than sanitary tools for your use.
Our son Dave may choose to visit. Dave is a unique individual who will require food and drink to be provided to him. On one of his visits he may require you to bathe him. To make this easy for you to remember I have written ‘Bathe Dave’, which you will find rhymes, on the novelty chalk boards in each room of the house, accompanied by illustrations of the areas on Dave’s body which should be cleaned most thoroughly.
Dave is mostly harmless but can have what we call ‘frisky’ episodes. All women below retirement age should be out of sight during his visits. Ideally, all women. If only women are staying at the property, please consider wearing baggy clothes and a fake moustache. Also, given Dave’s ability to smell females at distance, please rub lime or similar astringent under arms and along thighs.
Our sentry dog, Nero, will run ad-hoc reconnaissance on the property. He is trained to attack only when not shown the proper degree of respect. Previous guests still able to provide testimony have found bowing helpful. Our second property is up the hill and from the telescope in the upstairs bedroom – what we jokingly like to call ‘the watchtower’ – we will be able to see you should you signal for help. It is best to signal early as Nero’s special training has made him a very efficient killer.
Checking Out
A diagram on how to re-stack and order the crockery on checkout is attached to the inside of the cupboard door. A 3cm error discretion is permitted for each item.
Our cleaner likes nothing more than to enter a clean house, so please do your best to keep things this way. All garbage must be taken with you when you leave. The waste facility is a short fifty-minute drive from the property and the cost only $5 per ounce of waste. Alternatively, guests may pay $50 for the single use of our unlimited annual pass.
When my husband and I return to the property, we like to remain under the illusion that strangers have not been sleeping in one of our beds. Please be sure to eradicate all evidence of your presence and contact me during your stay only when absolutely necessary to help maintain this illusion.
Please refrain from leaving any human skins cells behind.* If the forensics team that arrive shortly after your departure do find any remaining, an additional $1000 deep cleaning fee will be charged on top of the standard $500. The house should be as clean as you found it, and ideally cleaner.
We look forward to sharing our home with you and hope you have a relaxing stay!
Agrippina and family.
Only $550 US per night!
*Skin cells discovered will be uploaded to a number of DNA databases to confirm whether you or your ancestors have ever committed a crime. An additional “naughty charge” will be levied for each felony, with the amount depending on the severity of the crime.
Please also be advised that Nero can smell sin. It displeases him.