“Jailbirds don't fly, and they don't get high, and they don't drink icy cold Budweiser on a hot summer day.”
“Fuck you John. This shit sucks. Getting up at t...
My porch has folding chairs. People sit in them. There’s a plastic table—guests put drinks on it. Lights hang from the ceiling—an Amazon purchase. The smell of ...
We couldn’t let panic stop us now. I was out of pills and only had 12 rounds of .357 Magnum. We came here for one thing. One simple fucking thing. Unfortunately...
She watches the movie from bed. It’s modern. It’s in technicolor, the way they used to be, and it’s one about a man who loves jazz and a woman who longs to be a...
As soon as I hold the sword in my hands, I feel stronger than the jacked up Ford F150 that that dickhead Jasper parks up on his lawn, so strong that I swing the...
This morning’s run to the ATM was harrowing. I dipped into savings! Seventh time this month. I tell Alicia all this in the middle of my second mojito.
“Look,...
It was 10 a.m. on a Tuesday. I was taking my wife to work. She worked at the mall at the time, and she was running late. As we turned the corner, smoke curled i...
His bedroom is a low slanting attic space but after four years I’m used to the yellowed popcorn plaster ceiling looming above as he lingers over my semi-soft-fo...
(Los Angeles, Sept. 5, AP) Paul Vincent Carlisle, known to millions as “The Dancing Werewolf,” died this morning at his home in Malibu. He was 79. The exact ...
The suburbs lay broken in the gray morning. Houses gutted. Windows smashed. Roof beams showed in the light. The streets split open. Asphalt curled at the edges....
Guy announced his engagement at a Shell station while pouring Monster into a Big Gulp. He wore a ring pop. He stood in the pickup bed in a ripped windbreaker an...
Two hours by myself to watch a movie and fold ten days’ worth of laundry.
Two hours to do it before everyone gets back.
That’s plenty.
I don’t even nee...
John sat uncomfortably in a chair which must surely have been designed for discomfort, since it served no other purpose. It was eleven forty-seven a.m., or mayb...
Cory would show up in his 03 Mach 1, drunk, and have Emily start it by blowing into the breathalyzer. Usually he’d have to yell at her how to do it several time...
At school they taught us to recognize a bell that signaled a tornado had touched down nearby. They taught us to sit in the hallway with our textbooks fanned ove...
I thought E.T. was a squid. I was riding my bike in my tuxedo and saw E.T. down there in that creek and I said to myself fuck that squid is fucking dead. People...
I'm playing a doubles pickleball match in the women's finals of an interclub tournament when my paddle breaks. The handle separates, and the paddle thuds agains...
Former late-night TV host David Letterman set up a scholarship at his alma mater;
Ball State, for C students. He recognized them to be smart in other ways.
&...
Mare was already $75,000 in the hole. A deepening, widening hole with toothy edges, and there were definitely divorce proceedings at the bottom of it. But she k...
Thursday 3rd July -
Aren’t Amanita muscaria mushrooms deceptively pretty? my husband asked. We were relaxing on the couch in the living room, watching a bota...
The door swooped open and ricocheted off a rubber stopper on the marble floor. The window blinds on the back end smacked against the wall and swung side to side...
For the purpose of this story.
For clarity’s sake.
Know that I am the son and there was a bank.
_
And the bank had planter boxes in front of the windows...
Pathetic old Warren looks demented as he climbs up onto a table near the pinball machine, a freshly poured pint of Modelo splashing around in his hand and an IV...
It’s another sunny day in Los Angeles, and the cars are honking. I ran my usual loop down to Costco, past the boxing gym, and back. Steven Tyler, my dog, pissed...
The History of the Decline and Fall of the Bro Empire
By Dr. Carneiro, Keeper of the Pods
Introduction to the 3rd Edition
Recovered from the Ruins of ...
It’s what he calls himself when reality kicks in. Like when he cleans the sick from the downstairs toilet, or climbs the stairs with his mother slumped across h...
Do you remember the game Pujkamaunka Splash?
I do.
Not that there weren’t memorable events aplenty in 1993. Clinton was inaugurated. Jurassic Park was in ...
Polyp Sportivo experienced a strange incident in the small town in which he resided. It all started when he was out taking a walk, something he was in the habit...
Cat’s eye glasses, commonly associated with librarians. Black-and-white polka dot dress. Believing in the afterlife is easier than believing she’ll never be rea...