On night one, Dress as Your Favorite Jojo night, I failed to dress up, though I brought the supplies to dress as Jojo as Draco Malfoy
that’s when I knew something was off
Then it was time for movie and pizza night in Jojo’s suite, which I paid an extra $1,150 for on top of the $1,300 cruise ticket
We watched The Greatest Showman, her favorite movie
I didn’t eat any pizza
At the build-a-bow workshop it took me the entire hour to glue just three rhinestones onto my bow
and at the Cabana Party with Siwa at Royal Caribbean’s Perfect Day at CocoCay™,
a 38-year-old fan cried as she told Jojo that her D.R.E.A.M. album got her through her divorce
and a 6’6 woman told Jojo that Dance Moms got her through high school, where she was incessantly bullied for her height
I could have told her how I’d seen her in concert six times
how I paid for every add-on offered on this cruise
how she saved my life
but I didn’t
At the Karma dance class, I didn’t try to learn the moves
All I could think about was falling into the Caribbean Sea and quietly floating away
Maybe if I accidentally slipped, or slept-walked into the ocean in the middle of the night…
instead I opted to go down the slide that all the other Siwanators were too afraid to, the angler fish-shaped techno slide with a 10-floor drop
I felt nothing on the way down
only like a failure
The final night, The Farewell Concert, I wore my bow with the three rhinestones
Jojo gave the best performance I’d ever seen
if only I could enjoy it
She sang Boomerang last, her most famous song
for which the crowd went crazy
and when Jojo sang the final, “I’ma come back like a boomerang”
for the first time, I wondered,
if maybe I wouldn’t.