He stamped the paper with the authority of someone who knew the stamp meant nothing. The man passed the paper to me. I folded it four times and placed it in my breast pocket. As he adjusted his glasses, I could see my reflection in them.
“That paper I gave you, that paper states what a piece of shit you are.”
I rolled up my sleeves.
“You are not only a piece of shit—you also smell like dried urine on dirty underwear,” he said. “That is the testimony of your coworkers.”
“Do I have a say in the matter?”
“You do have a say.”
In that moment, I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I paused as I considered. I came to a conclusion and gathered my composure.
”I’m not sure how to react to this. I mean—I don’t believe I am a piece of shit.” I squared my shoulders and nodded, as if what I said was unanimous in truth. “And besides—where is this coming from? Why do they believe this? This feels so—sudden. Out of the blue, you know?”
The man leaned back in his chair and looked up towards the ceiling. He seemed to be pondering something of tremendous value.
”Listen,” he grimaced. “This is what they believe. I don’t wish to go down the road of why they believe this.”
I studied him. He stared at me.
”Well, okay. I still don’t understand why, though.”
”Yes. And it doesn’t matter,” he smiled. “What you believe is important, just not always. This makes sense to you, correct?” He waved his arms, trying to remove the question mark.
I must’ve appeared quizzical. He went on: “We come into work, then we go home. We do our duties, and so on and so forth. We should always try our very best to coexist with our coworkers; we do not want to create a—how shall I put it, a chink in the armor? That doesn’t sound correct. Maybe, a kink in the hose? Hmmm. Possibly—maybe, a break in the chain? Whatever. We don’t want to disrupt our perfect system, the one we’ve worked so hard to create.”
He didn’t go on. He began writing on another sheet of paper.
”Is this because of this past Tuesday? I called Pam a ‘woman.’ She seemed to dislike that immensely. She gave me a look, do you understand? She has these huge glasses. The look in her eyes—my god, it was dramatic. I’ve learned to use that word behind her back.”
”She has experience in her field.”
”She walks around like she understands what she’s doing. One time, she couldn’t find an item from the stockroom. She couldn’t find where the printer paper was located. So, I found it for her. She became so annoyed that I found it, while she couldn’t find it. I said, ‘You’re welcome,’ as she trudged off.”
”You’re 6 weeks in. And these complaints are coming from your coworkers, not just Pam.”
”So it was from Pam.”
”Not just,” he said. He was still writing on the sheet of paper. “Please, sign here.”
He pointed to a line beneath a handwritten phrase: Employee completely denies being a piece of shit.
”Also, your coworkers mentioned the way you eat your sandwich—that you’re very loud. They would like you to refrain from eating in public.”